The Jesus of words speaks to the everyday automobile lover


This is what I hear the most, "Cars just get me from point A to B, I don't care about cars." How the hell on God's green earth can you call yourself a human, or even American and say this?

Think of one of your favorite movies and I guarantee most will think of a movie that have a car centered around the story. Back to the Future, National Lampoons Vacation, The Graduate, Christine; the list goes on and on. Hell, people on Craigslist are selling crap cars based on awesome descriptions, which is a nice break from SWF looking for SWM for random hook up at the local gas station. Back on topic, how anyone can ignore the influence automobiles have on our lives, in our culture, in our sex drives is beyond me. It is engrained in our DNA. Especially in America, the land of the muscle car and the Big Mac. These same people probably have the newest and latest car or wouldn't be caught dead in the infamous LeCar from the 80's.

I grew up watching Dukes of Hazzard, Knight Rider and even The Rockford files and other than Wonder Woman's bouncing bosoms on slow motion, courtesy of Linda Carter, I knew that even though not physical it gave me a mental boner (ok ok it gave me a physical one too), that there was something special there. I can excuse women from not liking cars because the poor darlings are too busy with shoes and purses and sharing tampons in the bathroom while talking about solving world peace. That is what they do in there right?

On the flip side of all of this happens to be the asshats that can afford those cars and can't appreciate them or even worse, the posers who take up 2 parking spaces for their 1996 BMW 3 series. Which incidentally makes me want to park my 2001 Camry with the faded bumper as close as humanly possible without crawling out the window. Do I search out these cars just to park 300 miles away from the front door just to be an ass. You betcha. I feel that if you think your car is that important when it is clearly not anything special or can find on any carmax parking lot that you deserve to have your Ed Hardy wearing ass inconvenienced. My point is proved daily when I see the gel haired guy with the slick sunglasses on creeping through the parking lot with his lips pursed in the hot chicks with douche bags manner you can find all over the internet.


Don't get me started on the editors of the major car magazines driving some of the worlds most fantastic cars and giving us numbers from skidpads and whatever else they seem to bloat their articles with. The worst part is when they evaluate a car that ten year old boys probably have posters on the wall of the very same car and complain that it just doesn't have that magic. I recently read that the Hyundai Genesis did this and that better than the Mustang. Like I give a flying rats ass that the makers of the late 80's Excel. Anyone at a red light will never say, "Man checkout that sweet Genesis." Well I am sure it is a possibility that it could happen but I bet the Ed Hardy factor pops up again in this scenario. I also do not get the articles that are written about a car that I cannot buy in America driving on a road not in america with them on some fantesticle, and no I did not misspell that word, journey that I will never be able to take. Descriptions of exotic cheeses and how the locals that most likely fill their day herding sheep for whatever they are herded for. I do hear in Australia that they are herded for less than savory carnal expressions of love that dare not speak its name. Why do I need to know this information? How does it enrich my life? I say it doesn't no more than the forty subscription cars that fall out of the magazine when I try to do some toilet catch up reading.

If I get this contract I plan on flying in the face of conventional car talk/ blogging by not boring you with jargon no one cares about or even gives a second thought about. I can guaran-damn-tee you that I will not be heading up in the Sierra mountains on a trek in a $300,000 car telling you about how my ascot is not displayed properly. What I do promise is an entertaining look on cars and any news that is noteworthy. To me noteworthy is not informing you that the only difference between last years model and this years model is a new compression ratio. I want to show you every crazy mirror plated Carrera, every pink Corvette and a point and laugh fest of any butt pirate that tricks his car out that would make the car weep in shame. Hopefully it will be a marriage both of us can enjoy, kind of like the video I stumbled upon of a guy screwing the tail pipe of his Honda. Did I watch? Of course I did!

This piece was written and submitted by a Jalopnik reader and may not express views held by Jalopnik or its staff. But maybe they will become our views. It all depends on whether or not this person wins by whit of your eyeballs in our reality show, "Who Wants to be America's Next Top Car Blogger?"

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Stef Schrader

I park out with the BMWs you speak of. I recently got a new car. After having the last one's sides look more pockmarked than a freshman's face after only one year of being at college, I think there's great wisdom in parking farther away.

Not gonna lie, I think it's pretty funny to park next to one of the guys in the outer edges of the parking lot. Surprise! That being said, if anyone scratches MY car pulling such lulz, I will be VERY angry.

It's not a BMW and I dislike guidos as much as the next person, but I've been given a car and want to keep it looking nice for as long as I can. There's no harm in that, IMHO.

Judge not the outer edges of the parking lot, dude.