You're cultured, you're smart, you're entertained, and you look good. But you've been buying all these gifts for yourself, you selfish bastard, and you forgot about that special someone in life. The someone that's with you wherever you go, protecting you, cherishing you, loving you. That's right, it's your car.

An OBD Scanner

Is your car sick? An On-Board Diagnostic scanner will help you find out what's gone wrong. The Autel AL319 is in color, too, so it's easy to read. ($49.95)

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A Dashcam

What, you think those crazy dashcam videos make themselves? Helllllllllllllllllllll no. We need you, and the crazy things you see on the road every day, to make it happen. So make it happen. You'll be helping us out, and you. And also, really, you, when a dashcam stops someone from scamming you on insurance. Esteemed Jalop Jason Torchinsky is currently testing the Roadview Panorama SII and he likes it quite a bit. ($189.95)

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Tires

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Do you have seasons, where you live? Do you have tires, upon which your car lives? Great. Get some real tires for you car, and make sure you mount them when season-appropriate. Winter tires in Winter and Summer tires in Summer will not only help you have fun, they'll also enable you to maintain the maximum amount of control. Buying eight tires might seem expensive, but as we've said before, time and time again, you can't put a price on safety. Which brand to buy, then? Michelin Pilot Sports are good for warmer times, Bridgestone Blizzaks are pretty good for colder times, though on both occasions there are plenty of great tires to choose from. (Starting at $242.99/$117.99)

Photo credit: Getty Images

A Tool Kit

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If something breaks on your car, you don't need to surrender to the dealership extortion gods. You can still fix things yourself. But you'll need some tools first, unless you've got the finger grip strength of Thor and you can pry off a corroded nut with your bare hands. Snap-On tools are usually considered top-notch, but if you want quality without breaking the bank you generally can't go wrong with Craftsman tools. This 48-piece Craftsman wrench set isn't a bad way to get started. ($89.96)

A Radar Detector

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Don't speed. Speeding is against the law. Breaking the law is bad. But if you are going to speed, which you DEFINITELY SHOULD NOT DO, it helps to have a radar detector so you know when the cops are coming. The Valentine One has been around forever, but there's a reason for that. ($498.98)

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8-Ball Billiard Shift Knob

There's been a lot of classy (and also expensive) stuff on this list so far, so why not get something cheap that's just fantastic? 8-ball shifter, then. Always an 8-ball shifter. ($20.74)

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Photo credit: Flattop341

A Head Unit

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If you've get a brand new Mercedes-Benz S-Class, congratulations, and also the entire audio system in your car is probably fine for most purposes. But if you don't have a Mercedes-Benz S-Class, and in fact you've got an old whip, you might want a new head unit. You know, because the last one got jacked. This Pioneer head unit allows Bluetooth connectivity, DVD playback, Pandora, and has an input for a rear backup camera. All of which brings you into the modern age. ($249.95)

Photo credit: Ken Mayer

Some Goddamn Soap

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Well, not soap-soap, but soap for your car, you slovenly mess. Since rubbing some Irish Spring into the massive gaps between panels in your Chrysler Concorde won't actually do anything, you'll want some real products to keep your car clean. Meguiar's sells everything you could want in one kit, which includes car shampoo, car wax, clay bars, a towel, a mitt, a pad, and maybe even a zebra or two. ($48.99)