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Thank Goodness Mopar Provided Me This Holiday Gift Guide

Illustration for article titled Thank Goodness Mopar Provided Me This Holiday Gift Guide
Image: Fiat Chrysler

Buying gifts is hard, especially when it’s socially mandated that you do so, like during the holidays. What do my family members want for the holidays? I don’t know. I could probably find out if I asked them, but I’m not going to ask them, because that may ruin the surprise despite it being no surprise that the holidays are coming up and we’re all getting each other gifts. Ugh!

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That’s why I’m so thankful for Mopar, which, without me even asking, provided the only gift guide I could ever need. Thank you, Mopar.

See, I was just sitting here at work, thinking about how it’ll be 2020 in less than three weeks and how I’ve made no progress on the actual buying of holiday gifts, only progress on stressing myself out about buying holiday gifts. That’s when, like a holiday-themed angel falling from the sky, Mopar arrived to save the day with this handy little guide:

Illustration for article titled Thank Goodness Mopar Provided Me This Holiday Gift Guide
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At first, I wasn’t convinced. Mopar suggested things like “T-shirts” that begin at $13.95, or a $309.95 “Mopar guitar.” It offered Jeep performance parts for the “off-roader who’s been extra nice this year,” or “peace of mind” with a Mopar Vehicle Protection warranty. (Who wants a warranty for the holidays?)

I was beginning to feel hopeless. This did not look like it would have my ever-elusive answers to what everyone wants for the holidays, which I, again, could get by simply asking. I would be a holiday failure once again this year.

But that’s when I saw it: the final entry on the Mopar gift guide, which was well worth the wait. They truly did save the best for last.

Illustration for article titled Thank Goodness Mopar Provided Me This Holiday Gift Guide
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That! That was it! The answer I was looking for—a Hellcat crate engine, capable of giving each person in my family a standalone Hemi with 707 horsepower and worlds of possibilities for only $20,215! Why didn’t I think of it before? This was in front of me all along.

How could I have been so naive?

A Hellcat crate engine for each parent and sibling. A Hellcat crate engine for my uncle, who always tells me I’m smarter than he is even if I’ll never be nearly as successful. (Smarts are what counts!) A Hellcat crate engine for my estranged aunt, who was always kind of a bitch anyway. Hellcat crate engines for the in-laws, who will surely make use of them immediately. (Who wouldn’t?) Hellcat crate engines for little Jimmy and Timmy and Jane, who can swap out their Barbie Jeeps for big-kid Jeeps. A Hellcat crate engine for the White Elephant office party, since I misread that the limit is $20 instead of $20,000. Hellcat crate engines without gift tags for the stockings, in case I missed anyone.

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Where would I be without these plans Mopar gave me? Fretting, in a corner, about how to explain to my entire family that I wasn’t sure what they wanted for the holidays, to which they would all respond, “Why didn’t you just ask?”

I have been saved from annual damnation, all thanks to the Mopar gift guide. And to think, I only had to spend $20,000 per person to do it.

Staff writer, Jalopnik

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DISCUSSION

goat7
son of a motherless goat (PSA: wash your hooves)

I wonder what would happen if I hooked up a Hellcat engine to my wife’s Peloton. She’d win the shit out of her online spin classes, that’s what. Best husband or bestest husband? Yes.