Thank God Porsche Made The 911 Turbo S Even More Expensive And More Importantly Gold

Honestly, the only thing that kept me from buying the Porsche 911 Turbo S was that fact that it was too cheap. If anything was going to ferry my ass around, it would have to be so exclusive that I would actually want to change pants before I got into it. Porsche hooked me up.

A few months ago, I called inquiring about a 911 Turbo S. I asked how much it was. “Ehh, about $191,000,” was the reply.

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“Hmm,” I responded, slurping down the rest of my martini and snapping my fingers for another. “Pocket change. I think I’ll take my business elsewhere. Adieu!”

“Wait, wait!

It was then that I heard it: the first tendrils of desperation, reaching out, grasping, for something—anything—to hang onto. “Maybe we can work something out.”

I languidly stirred the cocktail olive on a stick in my fresh martini, already weary from having just berated the groundskeeper who maintains my hedge mazes. “What did you have in mind?”

Again, that was a few months ago. Today, our efforts came to fruition. I am Queen Midas and Porsche is my kingdom.

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Twenty-seven extra horsepower? Check.

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Color? Gold. DUH. This was not even a point of consideration.

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Matching chronograph? You fuckin’ know it.

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Porsche Exclusive Manufaktur plates? Bitch, please. Go big and opulent or go home to the poor house.

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A custom luggage set? Why not. I always need new laundry bags. Kidding! I don’t do laundry. I just throw things out after the first use and buy more.

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How much more did all of these fancy things jack the price up by? The Porsche Gold Exclusive Fuck You 911 Turbo S is now $257,500... a price I’m way more comfortable living with.

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In fact, I loved the idea of this thing so much that I made Porsche make 499 more for my friends and family to buy if they were so inclined. These are the kinds of people I want to associate myself with anyways.

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About the author

Kristen Lee

Writer at Jalopnik and consumer of many noodles.