Apple had their big-ass event today, in their brand-new land-spaceship, and in this big-ass event they had their big-ass announcement: the big-ass iPhone X. That iPhone X (pronounced like MacOS X and not Malcom X) will cost you a non-trivial $999, which is officially car-money, and not just phone-money. So, with this milestone reached, let’s see what sorts of cars you can get for the cost of an iPhone X.


Now, $999 can get you a car, no question, but that car is very likely to be full of questions. Questions like “What happened to the key?” and “How have you had this thing with no title?” and “Why does this vomit stain smell so much like flea powder and Vagisil?”

I’ve selected a few choice options for those of you with about a grand to blow and a desire to spend that money on something of real value, the freedom of your own motor-car, and not just a way to stare at memes and gifs and porn on a higher-resolution, edge-to-edge OLED screen.

1. A brand-new truck! ($600-900)


Well, a three-wheeled electric Bangladeshi truck, but it sure as hell is a motor vehicle you can drive and haul cargo with and drive around, all things you can’t do with your iPhone X, even with its face-recognition whatever invisible dot-sprayer thing.

2. 1999 Jeep Cherokee Sport ($800)


Look at this thing! Runs and drives fine, passed smog, registered—what is this, a dream? This is way better than the Cherokee David here drives every day! Can your iPhone X go off road, or carry a kayak on top? No. No, it can’t.

3. 1984 Chevy G20 Van ($650)


The seller says it’s in very good shape, and why would they lie? It hasn’t been started in a while, but I’m sure that just means its well-rested. Plus, you could live in this one! You cannot live in an iPhone X. Check and see.

4. 1972 Volkswagen Super Beetle ($799)


I don’t know if you’ve been keeping track of air-cooled VW prices, but the days of cheap-as-dirt Beetles is long gone. Even rustbuckets missing engines are going for $400 or so—that’s why I think this ‘72 Super isn’t such a bad idea.

The engine seems to just need a coil, and the body’s rough, but just about all there. A little work and this $800 shitbox could be your prized $3000 shitbox that you drive and love! What can you do to an iPhone X to nearly quintuple its value, other than wrapping it in cash? Nothing!

5. 1993 Chrysler New Yorker ($700)


Maybe you’re too classy for these other options; maybe you were considering an iPhone X for the status such an object would grant you. I understand that. That’s why you should also consider this Chrysler New Yorker, with a half-vinyl top and so much class it’ll make you feel like a community college.

It runs and drives! The A/C doesn’t work, but that’s okay, because you’ll want the windows down so you can hear everyone’s low whistles of appreciation as you drive by. Again, no iPhone will get you that.

6. 1998 Mitsubishi Mirage ($750)


Maybe you want to be more practical. I get that. That’s fine, because this Mitsubishi Mirage is as practical as it gets—runs, drives, moves, rolls, and doesn’t even have such miserable frippery as a radio to distract you. Not like an iPhone X, which only serves to distract you.

8. 2001 Chevy Blazer (oversize tires!) ($500)


Maybe you want freedom. Freedom from routine, freedom from The Man, freedom from roads. This Blazer with oversized tires can give you that. Even better, the front end is pre-damaged so you don’t even have to worry about that! You can relax, which you won’t do with that new iPhone X, as you fret over it until it gets that first scratch or crack.

9. 2000 Buick Lasable ($400)


Look at this! A Buick you’ve never even heard of before, for only $400! The Lasable—I suspect the post author may have made a mistake here—I bet it’s really LaSable. That makes more sense.

I bet this was that rare joint project between Ford and GM to combine the Buick LeSabre and the Mercury Sable, creating the world’s finest car imaginable. This could be one of a kind, unlike some boring-ass iPhone X.

10. 1952 Hudson Super Jet ($500)


Okay, this is the only one that doesn’t actually run or drive, but who cares, because this isn’t just a car, it’s a whole new hobby, pastime, focus, obsession, second job, and, yes, life for you! Restore this Hudson and watch your life change! For, maybe, the better! Beat that, iPhone X, with your fast GPU and fancy-ass camera bullshit!

Really, you have so many options. Think carefully before pissing away a grand on something you’re just going to drop in a toilet when you’re drunk, probably.

UPDATE: Somehow, I left out a number seven. What the hell is wrong with me?