Technically True Things You Can Say About Your Crappy Car To Make It Seem More High-Tech

Illustration for article titled Technically True Things You Can Say About Your Crappy Car To Make It Seem More High-Tech

Let’s say you find yourself at a local Cars & Coffee meetup, parked between a perfect vintage Lamborghini Miura and a Koenigsegg something something. You look down to find that you’ve, somehow, driven up in the most mundane, boring shitbox imaginable. There’s still hours left before the Mustangs start killing everybody, and there’s people all around, waiting to hear you talk. What do you do?


Don’t give up. There is absolutely no reason you have to remain polite, quiet and humble here. You can still brag and gloat about how advanced and incredible your car is, and you can do it without lying. You just have to know how to best describe the details of your car for maximum impressive potential.

To get us started, let’s say I came in my old Beetle, and want to make it sound more exotic. Instead of reminding everyone something they already know, that it’s air-cooled, what if I said that my car is

cooled to optimal temperature by a special gaseous mixture comprised primarily of 78% nitrogen

That sounds way more impressive, right? And it’s technically true, since air is composed of about 78% nitrogen. Most of the rest of those words are just bullshit, but it’s all true.

So let’s try a little quiz here. I’ll describe my super-advanced, high-tech cutting edge component, and you try and guess what it really is. I’ll stick the answers in a link below. Sound good? Here we go!

1. My car uses an incredible system for fuel delivery management that utilizes stored kinetic energy in a special helical ferrous metallic energy storage system. This is cutting-edge shit, buddy.


2. I know this sounds incredible, but I’m so rich and awesome that I had installed in my car a cutting edge system that’s designed to literally capture a specific volume of the universe’s very spacetime in an injection-molded bubble made of special polymers. The spacetime containment unit has a specially-engineered section that’s designed to allow it to modify its spatial orientation on command, allowing me access to the volume of captive space. All this is right in my freaking dashboard.

3. You want to be impressed? Check this out. On every corner of the car is a communications subsystem, completely independent of any other system on the car, that works via the pulsed emission of photons. The photon pulses are filtered so that only emission waves with a wavelength of 590-520 nm are permitted to escape. These coded pulses of a specific wavelength can be used to broadcast estimated actions my car will take before they even happen. Can you believe that shit?


4. I guess that W16 engine in your – what is that? A Bargolli Vaighren? is pretty cool, but look at this: my sweet vintage Ford Taurus uses a bio-mimicry-derived system for dynamic inertial vectoring. It’s a real-time system, using designs inspired by the majesty of nature, specifically organisms in the phylum Annelida. This is some next-level shit here, no joke.

5. Sure, turbos are cool if you’re content to be stuck halfway into the previous century, that’s fine. To each their own, you know? But I just want to point out that my engine here is harnessing the very gravitational pull of the earth itself on every single power stroke. Just think about that for a second – I’m basically making the fundamental gravity of all of the mass of the earth my bitch every cycle of this motor. This is why more people should respect the Chevy Cavalier.

Illustration for article titled Technically True Things You Can Say About Your Crappy Car To Make It Seem More High-Tech

Yep, click right here to see the answers!

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus, 2020 Changli EV • Not-so-running: 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!:



There’s still hours left before the Mustangs start killing everybody

I’m sorry, I know this joke has been beat to death for awhile now but I spit cider all over my desk... hilarious.