Switchblade Keys Kind Of Suck, And My Childhood Self Would Be So Disappointed To Hear Me Say That

Some of you knew exactly what you wanted out of life, took a direct route to get there, achieved your goals and made your younger self proud. I, on the other hand, am living a life that would disappoint my younger self so thoroughly, he'd wonder how I ended up doing the one thing he would be proud of me for doing — becoming an auto journalist. So it's time for me to disappoint Younger Me even more and finally admit publicly what I think we've all known for a while — switchblade keys actually kind of suck.

Sorry, Younger Collin, but it's true. I mean, don't get me wrong, there's something primal about pushing a button and seeing something pop out. I like pushing the button and having the key shoot out. Younger Me was definitely right about that. It feels good even if I know I'm about to stick it in an ignition that's basically just a fancy on/off switch. Unfortunately for me, the key loves to open itself in my pocket, which means I have to deal with all the leg poking of a regular old-fashioned car key without the satisfaction of opening my switchblade key when it's time to get in the car.

Now, I could always put my keys on a carabiner and clip them to my belt loop, which is something I'm sure Younger Collin would have done. Then again, Younger Collin won D.A.R.E. Star Student in fifth grade and started his freshman year of college wearing braces, so he doesn't get a say on things like fashion in the year of our Lord, two thousand and twenty-five.

If switchblade keys did what they promised and didn't open themselves in my pocket, robbing me of my chance to use the switchblade feature, then maybe I could get on board. They could be a convenient update to an outdated technology, and I could be living the dream I had when I was much younger of feeling super cool opening the switchblade key to my car. If only they didn't kind of suck in practice.

Then again, and I'm more than ready to get flamed in the comments for this one, I also no longer have any interest in actual switchblades, either. In fact, despite having spent way too much money on knives over the years, you won't find a single knife in my possession with assisted opening. I can open my Mini Bugout with one hand just as quickly as a spring assist could, and that's one less thing to break. Sorry, Younger Collin.