Coffee shop or alien invasion force posing as coffee shop "Starbucks" is planning its next wave of onslaught in their quest for world domination; food trucks to serve you in the few remaining areas you can't already see a Starbucks from. Wait, actually, they'll be close to other Starbuckses.
Starting this November Arizona State University, James Madison University in Virginia and Coastal Carolina University in South Carolina will host vehicle-based coffee purveying operations the company is redundantly calling "Starbucks mobile trucks."
Apparently the trucks will complement existing Starbucks shops already embedded on campuses.
Comestibles corporation and Starbucks co-conspirator Aramark is helping make the initiative happen. Aramark's Education VP Cathy Schlosberg said something about "students having an on-the-go lifestyle" and being perfect recruits for their clandestine coup of the human race in this press release if you read between the lines. Really squint. Come on people, this is happening before our very eyes!
Starbucks' plot is to move the trucks around to different parts of campus as foot traffic fluctuates throughout the day to maximize customer convenience and temptation. It's hard enough to resist a delicious Pumpkin Spice Latte when they're out of the way... but right between me and my destination? It's a clever tactic indeed.
This isn't even the first time Starbucks has taken to the streets. According to The Dallas Eater they caught flack in March of 2013 when they parked a "mobile tasting station" outside a local coffee shop called The Pearl Cup who called them out on Facebook:
Real Classy Starbucks! Sitting outside my coffee shop giving away your coffee.. Am I threatening your large corporation that much that you are bold enough to put a mobile unit outside my shop? Have some respect!
I mean, that is pretty weak. Even for a savage group of extra terrestrials burrowing their way into our society to destroy us from the inside out.
Earlier than that, it seems Starbucks had some kind of small "coffee delivery" operation running out of a Sprinter van around their epicenter of Seattle.
This new pilot program will undoubtedly be expanded if successful, I'm sure soon enough they'll be asking themselves why they didn't try this sooner.
Images: Starbucks, War Of The Worlds