Someone Is Planning A Tesla Dating App For You Weirdos Who Can't Get Off Unless You're Staring At A Picture Of Elon

Illustration for article titled Someone Is Planning A Tesla Dating App For You Weirdos Who Cant Get Off Unless Youre Staring At A Picture Of Elon
Screenshot: Tesla Dating

Hey hardcore Tesla owners! You know how things can get kind of lonely when you’re not emailing me to remind me I’m an idiot stock-short who’s also short and doesn’t know shit about autonomous driving? Wouldn’t you like to find a partner who understands that sometimes true love is based on mutual, all-consuming admiration for an electric car company and its billionaire founder, along with the inclusion of a homemade cardboard standee of Elon Musk in your loveplay? Of course, you would, and finally, it seems that someone understands as Tesla Dating is now A Thing.

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Well, to be fair, it might be a thing, as the app doesn’t exactly exist yet, and some sources suggest that it could be satire, though that same source also says the site’s author, Ajitpal Grewal, told them

“If there’s enough demand, I might actually put out the app.”

...which sort of makes it not satire?

Really, the basic idea of a dating app that caters to Tesla and Elon stans is nothing new—I found this 2017 thread on Tesla’s forum that describes this exact thing:

Illustration for article titled Someone Is Planning A Tesla Dating App For You Weirdos Who Cant Get Off Unless Youre Staring At A Picture Of Elon
Screenshot: Tesla Forum
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The Tesla Dating site—which will require proof of Tesla ownership—has a bunch of mocked-up images of imagined conversations between horny and available Tesla owners, seemingly written by someone who has never successfully convinced a fellow human to go on a date with them:

Illustration for article titled Someone Is Planning A Tesla Dating App For You Weirdos Who Cant Get Off Unless Youre Staring At A Picture Of Elon
Screenshot: Tesla Dating

This exchange is less believable fiction than anything in the Harry Potter series.

Also, Mia here is a perfect example of how Tesla’s Full Self Driving advertising is deeply deceptive:

Illustration for article titled Someone Is Planning A Tesla Dating App For You Weirdos Who Cant Get Off Unless Youre Staring At A Picture Of Elon
Screenshot: Tesla Dating
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That’s not how that works, Mia. If you want to throw down in the back seat of your Model 3, you’ll either need to be parked or get a friend to keep their hands on the wheel in the driver’s seat.

Tesla owners already have a reputation for being some of the most cult-like single-make interest groups in the car world, and that along with the deeply creepy Elon-worship just makes this whole thing both plausible and miserable.

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I mean, I’m sure many people will be delighted for any electronic system that keeps Tesla blowhards all penned in together and away from trying to fuck members of the general public while “educating” them on why Elon Will Save us, so there’s that. You know, guys like this:

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Honestly, any dating site that focuses on a single make of car is going to be pretty insipid. An overall car-lovers’ dating site might be better, as that’s general enough and inclusive enough to actually get decent well-rounded people with a common interest.

But when the focus gets as narrow as one particular make, there’s going to be strange, exclusionary issues involved, and when that one make already has a cult following and a charismatic billionaire leader that makes painful dorks want to go to weird extremes to support, then you can pretty much guarantee your dating site is going to be populated by people you wouldn’t want to go to out with if you were on fire and they had tickets to a hose.

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Maybe this is satire, maybe it’s real. I’m not really sure it matters, since there seems to actually be some demand for it, and that’s bad enough.

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus, 2020 Changli EV • Not-so-running: 1973 Reliant Scimitar, 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!)

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DISCUSSION

The biggest problem with Tesla is Tesla owners. Whether that means people who own the cars or the massive douche who owns the company.