Small Cars, Ride Or Die

Illustration for article titled Small Cars, Ride Or Die

Ford announced that it’s killing off basically all of its cars in favor of crossovers and SUVs. No more cars, because large numbers of people won’t buy them. Only fat crossovers. Only ponderous SUVs. Because that’s all they want. But they are morons. I stand in objection to this, and so should you.


There is virtually no reason to get an actual, honest-to-God SUV, unless you’re an off-road enthusiast, in which case go nuts. Crossovers are even more impossible to justify, since they’re just SUVs in play clothes. And trucks? Go to any suburb in Texas and you’ll find them full of trucks, even if the people who own them probably work in IT and will never subject it to the indignity of moving.

“It snows twice a year here,” is a dumb bullshit excuse, and you should be ashamed for even thinking it. “I like the style,” is just verbal diarrhea, because it’s blatantly untrue. You should be repulsed by people who say that sort of thing just as you are repulsed by people who try to claim that Bob Dylan is a great singer. It’s the sort of thing mindless people say when they want to pretend like they’re On Top of the Trends with Something Interesting, but really it’s just poorly informed and, frankly, embarrassing.

“I need the room,” you claim. But you know what has a ton of room? Wagons.

“I need the space for my growing family,” you shriek, but you don’t, because you don’t need the ground clearance to drive over them. Your family, made up of large people as it is, can fit in a normal car just fine. (Should you be having children with a population crisis, and likely resource wars, looming over us all? Give some thought to that.)

“I need all-wheel-drive,” you blather, and first of all No You Don’t, but also, plenty of regular cars come with it these days, too. Here’s one, in fact:

Illustration for article titled Small Cars, Ride Or Die

Look how happy that person is behind the wheel of their Porsche 911 Targa 4 GTS. Behind the wheel of their CAR. And hell, that’s almost a big car these days. Get a WRX!

“I love to pour money down the drain in a desperate pursuit of the worst fuel economy possible, while simultaneously robbing myself of any sort of driving pleasure, my soul devoid of anything resembling excitement or happiness or will to live,” you proffer, and that’s the only semi-coherent thing you’ve said so far. Because that’s what you get when you trade a car—yes, a car—for some tall, bloated monstrosity.


Cars are better—it’s just fact. And even better than your regular car is a small car. Smaller cars are, for the most part, more nimble, more agile. Faster. Better looking. Better handling. More economical. More fun.

Illustration for article titled Small Cars, Ride Or Die

In a world plagued by excess, you even look better in a car. Yes, YOU. You look tasteful. You look classy. You look wise and smart and conscientious and handsome. All the things you wanted people to think about you in high school, they think about you when you’re in a car.

You show up in your Ford Escape, and people know your life hasn’t gone how you planned it. You squeeze into a parking space in your Chevy Traverse, and people don’t know what’s wrong. You look like you’ve accepted your fate. You look like you’ve been defeated.


You could’ve had style and grace and joy, and instead, you didn’t get a car.

Just look at this thing:

Illustration for article titled Small Cars, Ride Or Die


Do yourself a favor. When you hear that Fiat Chrysler is abandoning cars, or that Ford is abandoning cars, don’t fall into that familiar trap, especially if you happen to be the CEO of a large automaker. “Cars are not popular right this second, so they must be bad. Crossovers and SUVs must be better,” you say.


But you know in your heart that it’s not true. You know in your heart that this is another dumb fad, the Tamagotchi of our times. You know that someday soon, the car will be back. The sedan. The wagon. The coupe. The convertible.

Stick to your guns.

Stay an enthusiast.

Stay Jalop.

Stay true to yourself.

We know we will.

Deputy Editor, Jalopnik. 2002 Lexus IS300 Sportcross.


MK6GTI-now with added Miata

Keeping my GTI, thanks. Kinda want a 4runner at some point. There should be cars, and there should be trucks. The 4runner is the closest the two should get.