See If You Can Match These Embarrassing Stellantis Mottos To Their Brands

Plenty of automotive press releases make you want to roll your eyes but you better lube up those eye sockets for this one

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Image: Stellantis/JDT

Carmaker press releases are absolutely jam-packed with combinations of words, genuine or made-up, that are enough to make most well-adjusted human beings cringe in sympathetic embarrassment or possibly retch, at least a little bit. Stellantis is really leaning hard into this bold tradition with its press release titled, catchily, Stellantis Intensifies Electrification While Targeting Sustainable Double-Digit Adjusted Operating Income Margins in the Mid-term. Incredibly, it gets worse. With “statements.”

Yes, statements. These are kind of like mottos for each of Stellantis’ vast stable of brands, all focused on their upcoming transition to electric vehicles.

Here’s what Stellantis has to say about these:

Electrification is not a “one size fits all” plan at Stellantis. Each of the Company’s 14 iconic brands is committed to offering best-in-class fully electrified solutions and doing so in a way that enhances the DNA of each brand. Stellantis revealed the following statements expressing each of the brand’s electrification approach:

Man, brands can’t just tell you something, they always have to fucking “reveal” things. Also, they’ll never stop using the term “DNA.”

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So let’s play a little game here with these goofball “statements.” Let’s see if you can match each statement to its intended brand, which would be one of these:

Abarth, Alfa Romeo, Chrysler, Citroën, Dodge, DS Automobiles, Fiat, Jeep® (for some reason, Jeep is the only one to get the ®), Lancia, Maserati, Opel/Vauxhall, Peugeot, Ram, and Commercial Vehicles.

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Now, two are pretty much a giveaway, unless maybe you’re doing this seconds after taking a 2x4 to the face. If that’s the case, why not first take a moment to get an ice pack and collect yourself. This’ll still be here.

Okay, see what you can do:

“Heating Up People, But Not the Planet”
“From 2024, Alfa Becomes Alfa e-Romeo”
“Clean Technology for a New Generation of Families”
“Well-Being for All!”
“Tear Up the Streets… Not the Planet”
“The Art of Travel, Magnified”
“It’s Only Green When It’s Green for All”
“Zero Emission Freedom”
“The Most Elegant Way to Protect the Planet”
“The Best in Performance Luxury, Electrified”
“Green is the New Cool”
“Turning Sustainable Mobility into Quality Time”
“Built to Serve a Sustainable Planet”
“The Global Leader in e-Commercial Vehicles”

Yeesh, right? “Green is the new cool?” Thanks for that one, grandpa. “Turning Sustainable Mobility into Quality Time?” Easy, Stellantis, my doctor said if I keep having uncontrollable orgasms I could break my prostate or something and dehydrate!

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“The art of travel, magnified?” The fuck does that mean? Magnified? It’s bigger? Bigger art of travel? Did an AI come up with this?

“Heating up people, but not the planet?” Are you cooking us? “Well-being for all?” This one sounds like the lamest quote from a borderline-cult self-help Instagram dipshit with stupid hair.

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“The most elegant way to protect the planet” better be a silken drape to cloak sweet, supple Earth from the sun’s brutal rays.

Anyway, let’s all enjoy a derisive chuckle at the Brands because, fuck ‘em, right? Just bring those cool Citroëns and Peugeots over here and stop wasting everyone’s time with this shit.

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Oh, and the answers are here. Good luck!