If you needed any further proof that we live in hell and everything is meaningless, there is a new tech-less pogo-stick-sharing micro mobility startup from Sweden called Cangoroo that people are apparently taking seriously. Allegedly intended to compete with soul-crushingly popular danger sticks known as dockless e-scooters, this pogo nonsense is eventually coming to American shores.
The company’s plan is to launch in Malmo and Stockholm this summer and follow that up with London and San Francisco shortly after. This plan is funny, as I would have figured the plan would be to live comfortably off of startup investor capital until the company went bankrupt in 6 months.
The system works exactly as the dockless scooters do. You have an app on your phone that unlocks the pogo stick, then you pay by the minute to use the thing. The website currently shows the rates at $1 to unlock and thirty cents per minute after that. Then you can pogo your ass off to your heart’s content.
For one thing, is pogo stick transportation any faster than just walking? It’s a hell of a lot more dangerous, especially on a busy city street. They want you to use these things in the goddamn bike lane. I’m sure already disgruntled cyclists will be happy to share the lane with your hippity hoppity jumping. And they realize San Francisco is full of hills, right? This must be funded by dental prosthesis companies. That’s the only logic I can place behind this.
I can only conclude that anyone with the confidence, talent, and wherewithal to competently pogo stick to work will already own a pogo stick. The plan is to drop a few hundred of these DangerStick+ models on sidewalks in cities all over the world. Are there even a couple hundred people in the country that could safely use these? I don’t want to see a five pound projectile bouncing into some poor unsuspecting pedestrian’s face when an unprepared person falls off.
“The on-going electric scooter hype has shown great success in establishing “Mobility as a service” to the public and helped open up for alternative players such as Cangoroo. To not have to educate the consumer we see as an important competitive advantage as well as the global trend of alternative vehicles where the classic pogo stick is something a lot of people can relate to from their childhood,” says Adam Mikkelsen, CEO and founder.
“During the conceptualization phase we started off with three building blocks that we, personally, are driven by in all of our work: Fun, healthy and good for the environment. The result came to be Cangoroo. It’s close to impossible to not crack a smile when jumping, you’ll burn heaps of calories and it’s by far the most environmentally friendly alternative in the category with an expected lifespan per pogo stick of 16-24 months,” says Eric Calderon, CMO and founder.
“The e-scooter market is off the charts and on the tipping point of becoming overcrowded. Therefore, it appears natural that the industry is now diversifying. In this scenario, I see Cangoroo, and the passionate team behind, as a given player to dominate the niche for people who’d like to add friction, joy and movement to their daily commute and as a great bonus it’s 100% emission free. Furthermore, in my role as a psychologist, I’m well aware of the incredible effect an active life and environmentally conscious choices have on people’s health and well-being. I’m quite sure that Cangoroo will be able to make a mark in various health measurements in the following years,” says Niklas Laninge, psychologist and co-financier in a statement.
In conclusion, I’m starting an app-based roller blade micro mobility share startup. As soon as the first round of funding comes in, the plan is to dump a bunch of garbage nobody wants on the streets of Omaha, Nebraska and then jet off to a five-year CEO retreat in the Maldives.