If there’s one thing my doesn’t-lift-bro self knows, it’s softness. My race car is named after a soft, fluffy bunny. My muscles are basically mayonnaise. I know soft because I am soft. Pirelli wants fans to pick the name of their new softer than ultrasoft pink tire from their three options, but all their options suck.
Formula One’s dry tires are already confusing at the soft and sticky end, with hard, medium, soft, super-soft and ultra-soft as the options. I have trouble telling super-soft and ultra-soft apart and I cover this stuff.
Think of the fans here. Clearly, you need to be more descriptive than “super” and “ultra.” Those are practically synonyms! Yet we’ve got similarly vague names proposed for Pirelli’s new softest compound, set to debut in 2018:
“Megasoft,” “Extremesoft” and “Hypersoft” all suck. If we’re talking about the softest pink thing we can think of, there’s a zillion things they could call it that would be more accurate. Strawberry mousse! Baby kitty belly! Fancy toilet paper with little pink roses on it! The Stay-Puft man!
Did no one on Pirelli’s entire international staff leave the Canadian Grand Prix with multiple bootlegged copies of Letterkenny? Just five minutes of the fight-prone hicks on that show could give you myriad terms for “soft” that would be better than any of the options we’ve been given for the new pink tire.
Take it from the most ten-ply person on Jalopnik’s staff: there are degrees of softness that could be more accurately described with better names.
Super-soft is solidly on par with watching a Disney matinee, and tearing up—but holding it together—at the sad parts of The Lion King.
Ultra-soft is how I’d describe a set of nicely manicured hands that have never seen a Volkswagen aircooled engine before. You make your mom lift that transmission for ya, bud?
This new pink tire? If we’re talking the softest soft that ever gently caressed the pavement, we’re definitely talking Fisher-Price Enchanted Puffalumps Unicorn-grade soft.
Pink glitter cupcakes filled with Peach Flirtini jelly soft.
Ten gallons of Axe body spray to woo the ladiesssss soft.
Bedazzled selfie sticks soft.
Marshmallow Fluff topped with Cool Whip soft.
SAFER barrier full of Jello soft.
Donald Trump Jr. Instagramming his bad lift form soft.
Six-minute laps of Circuit of the Americas soft.
Getting excited about pumpkin spice and cuddles season but refusing to touch the dirty fire pit yourself soft.
Twitter’s stance on Nazis soft.
Fifty pies worth of sweet potato pie filling in a giant kiddie pool soft.
All those feelings you won’t admit to when another Dale Jr. tribute video comes out soft.
You know what I mean, Softy. I’ll bet a pack of kindergartners could take every member of Pirelli’s “megasoft” marketing staff in a fight armed with nothing but a pile of craft-bin pompons and a half-eaten pack of gummi worms. That’s how soft they are at making up terms for “soft.”
All we’re going to get by calling this new softest of the soft tire “extremesoft” or whatever is more confusion. Easily confused, hard to follow names for something as basic as tires are exactly what Formula One needs less of when they want more people to tune in who haven’t followed the sport their whole lives.
[via NBC Sports]