“Coner” is what hip, young squirrels call their pine cone-obsessed peers; if you’ve ever spent any time in the tree branches of America’s forests and suburbs, this sort of branch-slang is probably familiar to you. Hardcore coners often do some crazy shit, like this Michigan-area conehead squirrel who crammed some poor bastard’s car with over 50 pounds of primo pine cone.
When a squirrel is “pining”—branch slang for being in such a state of desire for sweet, sweet pine cone that a squirrel’s normal rational thought processes are impeded—that squirrel can be capable of some really unhinged things, like this, and often worse.
I once saw a squirrel deep into a cone-hole take down a full-grown bullmastiff because the dog was in between him and a stash of hot, prickly brown gold. It was not pretty.
Let this be a warning: coners are not to be trusted. They might fill up your car’s engine bay with hot cone meat, or they may dislocate your arm if they think you’re preventing them from getting access to more pine cones.
Stay frosty out there.