PCH, Canadian Ne'er-Do-Well Edition: Jaguar XJ-S Or 1940 Mopar Package Deal?

Illustration for article titled PCH, Canadian Ne'er-Do-Well Edition: Jaguar XJ-S Or 1940 Mopar Package Deal?

Of course we all knew there was about as much chance of the Citröen CX2500 Prestige beating the '60 Mercedes-Benz 190 wagon as there'd be of Günter Grass hiding his SS service forever. We should know by now that the Citröen always wins a Choose Your Eternity poll, but it was worth a try! Today we're going with a different sort of theme, one suggested by Feds, who was shopping for projects in the St. Catharines area: Labatt's-fueled Canadian projects. Feds gets himself a PCH Tipster T-shirt for his efforts, so keep those tips a-comin' in. O Canada!

The Jaguar XJ-S may well be the quintessential Project Car Hell vehicle. It sold for gigabucks, packs a V12 under the hood, looks gorgeous, you can get one cheap, and... Lucas Electrics! We had one beckoning to you from the fiery gates to Project Car Hell not long ago, but the lure of the XJ-S is just impossible to resist and we have no choice but to return to our V12-powered friend. Feds found this '79 Jaguar XJ-S with a somewhat steep asking price of $3,500 Canadian, but we're pretty sure that price is highly negotiable. As Feds says, "Regardless of how good or bad the car is, you can't ignore the fact that it is dirt(bag) cheap...a British car that very likely smells of du Maurier's and Labatt's 50." We don't learn much about the car from the seller's description, though "Some minor oil leaks and car will need a paint job soon" seems about par for the XJ-S course. Does it run? Is there rust? Electrical gremlins? Wait, no need to even ask that last question!

When you're trying to sell a couple of rusty heaps vintage machines built during an era when craftsmen were busting scab heads on the picket line took pride in their work, what's the best approach to photographing those cars? That's right- use the "sepia" option in your photo-editing software! If not for the newer vehicles visible in the background on one of the shots, you'd think you were looking at 60-year-old photos... of prematurely aged cars. The seller here doesn't find it necessary to provide any description of the cars for sale, and that includes such inconsequential information as year, make, and model. It appears that you can purchase a 1940 Plymouth and a Dodge of the same era for two grand Canadian. Mechanical condition? We can't tell you. Rust? Sure looks that way! But the Dodges and Plymouths of that era share lots of parts- you should be able to make one nice runner out of the pair, powered by a 440 pulled from the first New Yorker you find at the junkyard. As Feds so eloquently puts it: "Based on the excellent copy, I suspect Sophia is trying to sell these cars out from under the nose of her no-good-nik common-law husband."


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I voted for the Plymouth/Dodge.

Yes, yes, I know there are Infinite Hells in the Jag, and the masses yearn for the heroic tales you will be able to tell as you solve one problem, and the next, only to have to repair the first again. Sisyphus indeed.

The problem lies in the fact that Jag Hell is altogether too popular a place to reside. Far too many Jalopnikos have chosen to lie with this whore, and the flavor of the dish is spoiled by its very ubiquity.

The Dodge/Plymouth, on the other hand, is a special windswept plain of bleakness within the Automotive Hells. No one lives there. No one would have it known that they chose this destination. As such, it is by far a rarer vintage of pain and anguish. You may toil here forever in splendid isolation, with no one but yourself to debate the vaguaries of a 6 volt generator. Is that a positive ground? What about the lug nuts... Surely the lug nuts alone...

You will be found wandering numbly in this wasteland by your friends. They will see your plight, and take you to the pub for a draft. But they will only know the depth of your suffering by the emptiness in your hollow eyes.