Of Course That Texas 'Trump Train' Was 'Protecting' That Biden Bus

Illustration for article titled Of Course That Texas Trump Train Was Protecting That Biden Bus
Screenshot: Twitter, YouTube

There’s been an awful lot of noise lately about an incident that happened over the weekend when a Biden-Harris campaign bus that was leaving Austin, Texas was surrounded by a “Trump Train” composed of various Trump-flag-bearing trucks and SUVs. While many have interpreted this as a hostile act, President Trump described the trucks as “protecting” the Biden-Harris bus because “they’re nice” at a Michigan campaign rally. Well, duh, right?

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Trump also re-tweeted a video clip of the bus being kindly escorted by the Trump trucks, stating that he, in fact, loves Texas:

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I mean, of course, these trucks were “protecting” the Biden campaign bus! This is something people do all the time to vehicles they wish to protect and help. How many times have you been driving down a road, seen a large bus or truck or car, and decided, with dozens of your friends, to just surround the vehicle in question, boxing it in, to, you know, let it feel safe and acknowledged?

It’s one of the most caring things a flotilla of cars can do for another car while speeding down a highway, right? Plus, once the vehicle is well-surrounded, nice and close, by a bunch of other cars, those other cars can caringly force the surrounded vehicle to a safer speed, much like these Care-Trucks with the Trump flags did for the Biden campaign bus.

In this case, all of the very concerned and caring people in their Trump trucks must have determined, via some form of advanced love safety-math, that the bus needed to be slowed down to about 20 mph, a very caring speed to go for a huge, all-lanes-blocking mass of around 100 vehicles on Interstate 35.

Yes, the FBI is currently investigating the incident, probably to figure out how many Certificates of Commendation to give the various drivers, along with, I’d expect, Applebee’s coupons and long, warm bear-hugs.

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If you’re not convinced of the noble, selfless intentions of the Trump Train, consider this:

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Look at that! That driver of the black Ford truck with all the flags was so concerned about the bus’ well-being, that he drove incredibly close to it, so much that he had to give a love-shove to the white Ford SUV in the possibly dangerous location behind the bus, which the truck selflessly took.

Who among us hasn’t provided similar helpful taps and shoves to a car on the highway? As they say in NASCAR, rubbing is racing, and from there it’s easy to extrapolate that rubbing is loving, which is exactly what we’re seeing here.

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Who hasn’t, in some act of profound lovingkindness, rubbed up against another car on the highway, friend-pinning them between your car and the caring guardrail until showers of helpful care-sparks brightened the sky, a testimony to your deep, giving goodness?

We all have. Because we all care.

Just like all of these selfless drivers cared for that hapless campaign bus. Why else would so many drivers take to the highway and commit these acts, which, if they were somehow, improbably, not done in a spirit of caring and altruism, would seem like some of the most idiotic and dangerous acts of insipid road rage and irresponsibility, putting people at risk and slowing down traffic for thousands?

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No, no, clearly, that can’t be what happened. These people want to help. Why, if we didn’t know that then we’d have to think that this group was composed of utter jackasses, so insecure and afraid of fucking Joe Biden’s chance of winning the Presidency that they’d do some kind of moronic semi-organized road rage attack that could potentially hurt themselves or many other people, all because they’re so broken and have lost all contact with what America as a country is about?

Again, that can’t be. They had to be trying to help. And President Trump had to realize this because otherwise endorsing it as he did would be an act so unbefitting a sane, non-idiot president that it just couldn’t ever happen, right? Who could be so callow and stupid and insecure?

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I think we all know what was really happening, and it’s wonderful to see the divisiveness of our nation being healed so dramatically. God bless America.

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus, 2020 Changli EV • Not-so-running: 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!: https://rb.gy/udnqhh)

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DISCUSSION

That these sorts of people exist is so profoundly depressing and terrifying. What are these inbred, slack jawed, knuckle dragging, assholes in their bro-dozer pick-ups going to do when Biden wins? They don’t seem to have much of a limit - terror tactics on the street. Plotting to kidnap and kill Governors? Intimidating people lined up to vote.  Aside from hunting each and every one of them down and charging them to the fullest extent of the law (assuming our ‘thin blue line’ isn’t out there gassing peaceful protestors) seems to be the only viable solution. And I’m not sure it’s possible.

And to think it was even remotely contentious when Clinton referred to this type as ‘deplorable’. She was too kind with that wording - if anything.