I love parties. You might not think this is true, but I do. I love everything about them: Choosing the space, deciding on the menu, selecting the alcohol, picking out the party favors, procuring the drugs. I’m throwing a new party to celebrate a new Bugatti champagne and you’re not invited. I would say sorry, but I’m just not.

Champagne, as I have always believed, is the nectar of the gods. There are many days where it replaces water for me altogether. It might be the reason why I wake up at night sometimes from a racing heart, a shortness of breath and a sense of general terror, but who’s counting? Bugatti and Champagne Carbon certainly aren’t, because the companies are introducing a new champagne as a result of a recent partnership.

The champagne is called the ƎB.01 and it’s meant to celebrate Bugatti’s 110th anniversary and my 27th birthday. I’ve bought up every single bottle so no one else can have any. I didn’t make the rules, I just play the game.

Mouthwatering details are as follows:

Consisting of 90% Chardonnay and 10% Pinot Noir. The vintage of this exclusive champagne was a very bright one for the Grand Est. 2002 saw Bugatti working at full speed on its modern era revival at the hands of the Bugatti Veyron, while extraordinarily in Champagne, it had the perfect weather conditions for good ripeness and flavor concentration. The creation of a unique and high quality Champagne Cuvée requires using grapes from the most prestigious terroirs of Champagne, precision, know-how and time. This particular vintage was just released from the Carbon vinotheque at the optimum maturity.

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You’ll know Champagne Carbon as the brand that supplies Formula One winners with the carbon fiber bottles of champagne they spray each other with at the end of the races. It’s a disgusting waste of the stuff and I plan to put a stop to it immediately, as soon as I buy the FIA. Those bitches.

I bought them those suits.

Anyway, because it’s my party and you aren’t invited, you’re really not privy to any of the details, like the location or how much each bottle of champagne costs. Well, since I’m in a festive mood, I’ll tell you that regular bottles of Champagne Carbon cost $3,000, according to Luxurylaunches. That’s roughly the equivalent of 600 bottles of André for you paupers out there.

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Oh, you want to know about the guest list? In case somebody cancels and a spot opens up? That’s cute.

No, none of my friends were invited, as I have none. I only have enemies. None of my family, either, because they are all gold-digging leeches.

The only person in attendance will be me. And the staff, naturally. Don’t worry, though; they wouldn’t dare sneak a taste of my fucking Bugatti champagne.