Image via AP

Over the past week, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority announced some solutions to NYC’s subway catastrophe, fixes that include removing seats from trains, making an app and getting Tough On Litter. Now Governor Andrew Cuomo discovered yet another remedy: getting businesses to adopt subway stations.

The practical side of this adoption is to spend a measly $250K to $600K to enhance the appearance of stations, sit on a “council” and presumably plaster the walls with advertisements that make you realize you’re just a pawn to the corporate government takeover.

Getting businesses to pay for subway maintenance helps Cuomo avoid asking Mayor Bill DeBlasio for more funds, as the two have been quarreling over who’s really in charge of fixing the trains. (Hint: it’s Cuomo.) MTA told New Yorkers it wants the city to split costs of short-term solutions, the day after DeBlasio said he’s not going to cough up anything. So that’s fun.

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How might the corporate subway station program play out? Let’s explore what this could look like:

Nike

Need to shove an old lady out of the way to get on a train? Just Do It.

Maybelline

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline. Or maybe it’s just the smell of sweat, piss and desperation.

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Aston Martin

Power, beauty, sewer rats.

MasterCard

There’s some things unlimited MetroCards can’t buy. For everything else, there’s a fare hike.

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Pepsi

Enjoy the stench of urine and blood while you enjoy a refreshing Pepsi.

Dunkin’ Donuts

America may run on Dunkin’, but no donut on earth will save the F train from stalling every 10 minutes.

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Subway

It’s fair to assume that the actual companies and slogans will be no better.