You, a member of the down-trodden proletariat, toil away at your jobs in order to afford basic necessities like alimony payments and middle-shelf liquor. When you need a break, you call up your friends and organize a karting event, hoping the wind that washes over your face will also momentarily wash away your problems. Well, if you just went ahead and purchased a mansion with a karting track attached to it, like I did, then you wouldn’t be so unhappy.
There is nothing better than having something to yourself. A karting track is no exception. No lines, no waits. I don’t have to disinfect the kart after some lesser human has finished with it. Every morning, children line up at my front gate, press their little faces up to the bars and ask if I’m sharing the track that day. I watch them from the security cameras and laugh and laugh and laugh while blowing cigarette smoke at the monitors. It’s my favorite way to wake up.
But today, it isn’t about me. It’s about you.
Usually, I wouldn’t trouble myself with addressing you at all, but you’ve caught me in a good mood (no wine-drunk night terrors last night). See, penniless lackeys like you don’t usually have access to things like precious metals and islands, so houses are generally the biggest investment you people will ever make. Why not profit a little bit while you’re at it?
Take my manor, for example, situated in Moneymore, Ireland. (Yes, that’s actually the name of the village and yes, the property is for sale via Stanley Best Estate Agents; I’ve decided to move onto bigger and better things).
Not only does it sit on 28 acres of rolling Irish grounds, it also has five bedrooms, four bathrooms, an indoor pool, a hot tub, a sauna, a gym, a cinema room, a helicopter pad, a triple garage, a top-notch security system, and a private barbecue/picnic area. Pick up your chin, honey. I know.
Here’s the kicker, though: It also comes with a complete 0.6-mile go kart track with its own race control office, workshops and garage. I don’t often offer blue collar financial advice, so listen up. The manor makes very good financial sense.
Listed at £2,250,000 (that’s about $3 million for you Yankees), let’s do some math. Say it costs you $60 for one session of karting, which amounts to three laps. That’s $20 a lap. You’d only have to use the private track for 150,000 laps and then it pays for itself. That amount goes even faster if you invite your friends over.
Look, they don’t even need to be your “friends.” They can be your coke buddies! Shady business partners! Sommeliers! It doesn’t matter, just get them on the track. Have an ambulance ready. Or don’t and collect on the life insurance.
Head over to Stanley Best to see the whole listing. Serious offers only, people. I know what I have, and it’s fabulous.