"My Ford Ate My Pants"

Illustration for article titled "My Ford Ate My Pants"

Welcome to Garage of Horror, where we share your worst wheeled experiences. Today we have a college kid whose Ford Aspire ate his pants, an ass-kicking grandmother, and a very bad date.


Let's kick things off with this story from UsUrPeR:

I was late for class and had a report due that day. The class (technical writing) was in a separate campus only accessible by bus or with a $300 parking permit, so I opted to take the bus. The only bus stop for this place is a ten-minute walk from my apartment. The bus comes by every 30 minutes. I normally walk, but since I was late, I drove over to a parking lot closer to the bus stop.

At the time, I was driving a 1993 Ford Aspire. And it had a few problems.

The greatest evidence that my car was a shitbox was the inoperable driver's-side door lock. I could not lock/unlock my door from outside the car, only the passenger's side. Girls always thought I was being really nice when I would unlock their side first, but it was more of a self-serving thing.

The rest of this story is best told in third person. (Italics are ours. —Ed.)

"It's cool, I'll just open th... " Joel froze and a horrified expression settled over his face.

The lowered door-lock button normally signified a secure car. Joel felt secure knowing that someone would have to smash a window to get at the cool stuff inside. This time, the pushed-down lock took on an almost anthropomorphic quality. It spoke: JOEL, YOU ARE GOING TO SCHOOL WITHOUT PANTS.

Seeing that the door was only half-shut, Joel tried to pull a bit. The door was half-shut on his keys, which he kept in the extended cargo pocket of his right leg near his knee. Just as he totally realized the sheer amount of bullsh*t that had landed on his cornflakes, Joel heard the bus.

"Ohf*ckohfu*kohfuc*," he thought. Looking up, he sees someone of near-Eastern origin. "F*ckin A," he thought, "here comes someone! They're running!" Joel waved and yelled, "Hey, bud can I get some help?"
He didn't speak English. Well, if he did, he wasn't fully coherent. He pointed at the bus, indicating that to be his intended destination. He laughed as he passed.

"*UCK!" Joel yelled. "What can I do?" he thought. "I have to get to school, these pants aren't worth a $60 ticket if I drive to the engineering campus, and I need my keys back."

As Joel walked away from his car, he chose to not look down and see his pants ripping. He was afraid to see how bad the damage was. He couldn't allow anything to stop him from missing the bus. One rip. Another. He took a third step, expecting the ripping to stop, but no. He knew it was bad.

I went to class and gave a presentation with a rip that wound from the bottom cuff of my right leg all the way to the belt loops above my right butt cheek. I had a foot of extra fabric flowing behind me like a little ass cape. I got an A on the presentation because I enunciated, because I didn't let the fact that I had just one pant leg on bother me, and because I brought a VF22 turbo along to demonstrate forced induction (the subject of my research paper). I've worn boxers every day since.

Of course. Who wouldn't?

This next one's from ne1245:

Once a guy tried to carjack me when I was leaving the Target in Eagle Rock, Louisiana. A late teens/early twenties guy comes up to my passenger-side window and yells "get out of the car." He had a knife (ooooh) but made a poor choice as my windows were up, and he tried after the light had turned green and the cars ahead of me started to move. I turned left onto Colorado and had to immediately stop for a red light. The guy just stood there, shocked that I drove away but still within 150 feet or so.

As I was sitting there thinking I should call the police, he tried it again — this time on an old lady in a early '90s Mercedes convertible. She also had the windows up, but the top was down, and this time he was on the driver's side. She had the red light, so she seemed to be getting out of the car. The guy just stood there as she opened the car door into him, hard. It was followed by her bathing the guy in pepper spray until the thing seemed to be out of juice. I had called the police by this point, and I think the woman behind her at the light did as well. The old lady just got back into her car and waited for the light, top down, like nothing had happened.

And finally, we have this, from alexander_the_car_salamander:

I put new wheels on my car as the old ones were really ugly and rusty. Unfortunately, I was in a hurry for a date and didn't tighten the lug nuts properly. I picked up my date and everything was going fine — until about 40 mph or so in a turn when both rear wheels came off. The rear of the car spun out and scraped against the ground until we smacked into a curb. The front wheels were also loose but tighter than the rears. Needless to say, not only was my car badly damaged underneath, but the girl I was going to go on a date with never called me back.


Really? Funny, that's how I met my wife. Tomato, tomahto...

Got a car horror story you'd like to share? Embarrass yourself, get screwed over, or just plain do something stupid in a car? Email us your stories with the subject "Car Horror Stories." We'll make you famous.



87CapriceEstate feeling the winds of change

I am having trouble finding Eagle Rock, Louisiana on a map or Wikipedia.

These are all funny, but a bit sad.

Donald Duck was banned in at least one country due to his lack of pants. When he goes swimming he wears swim gear. I do not get that.

Been a great month and be back for the next. 6 months till Ireland!