My Boy Andrew Cuomo Has The Perfect Subway Solution

A subway rider peers down the newly completed tunnel that connects the 34 Street-Hudson Yards station with Times Square, Sunday, Sept. 13, 2015 in New York. (AP Photo/Mark Lennihan)

Some of the most obnoxious bleating I hear from my New York staffers is in regards to the state of the public transportation system. “It’s so laaaaate,” some bawl. “It’s so haaaaawt,” others lament. Why don’t you just drive, then! I swear to God, sometimes the easiest answers are right in front of us.

Clearly, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo shares my views on things, the clever man. According to a story headlined, “Cuomo To NYC’s Suffering Subway Commuters: Drive A Car” on The Village Voice, Cuomo’s solution to the whining and bitching commuters is just to do what they should have been doing in the first place: ditch the public transportation and get into a goddamn car to go to work like a real fucking person.


From the story:

Instead, Cuomo’s MTA insists, you can try to get your boss to change your work schedule. Or, better yet, the governor announced, you can drive into Manhattan.

In an order released by the governor to seemingly complement the Penn Station mitigation efforts, Cuomo instructed the MTA to finish all major bridge and tunnel projects before the beginning of the Penn shutdowns to better accommodate drivers who may be inconvenienced by the loss of mass transit service. Trucks would even be getting a discount on tolls that subway and train riders would not.

Riding the subway is a lowly way of getting places. It’s filthy and filled with sweaty and irritated people down there. I won’t have the people working in my house using it. I repeat, just drive your car. If you can swing it, get driven in A Car, though not a taxi or whatever those automobile-partitioning apps are. Those are for the commoners. And people going home to Jersey City after the PATH shuts down.

I run a high-class home and I won’t have subway riders defiling it.

In fact, I have an idea for what should happen instead: We remove the subways altogether and everyone can finally get their private train cars down there. Like the private Roosevelt subway. Sure, I get that traffic happens. I myself take to the sky, but helicopters are grounded so often for maintenance these days. So, of course, sometimes we’ll need to go underneath it. I get that.


Private train cars are the way to go. The tracks are already set up. And with a private car, you’ll be able to make your own schedule and you won’t have to share your space with ugh, the masses. I don’t see a downside to this.

I’m not a city planner or a politician, but at this point maybe I should consider it. I think it’s because I understand the people.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter

About the author

Kristen Lee

Writer at Jalopnik and consumer of many noodles.