A few weeks ago, I asked you fine folks if anyone has ever actually given a shit about merchandise from automotive manufacturers. Today, I am amending my statement to say that I do care, very deeply, but only about one product: ugly Christmas sweaters.
I’m going to square with you fine folks and with automakers around the world. You will never convince me to buy a shirt with an automaker’s name on it unless I can wear it ironically to a festive party or, this year, a festive holiday Zoom call. I have no interest in the $90 zip-up sweater that is as uncomfortable as it is expensive. I have no interest in anything that takes itself too seriously. I do not wish to look like some bougie car owner. I want to look like a chump.
Which is why I’ve once again been disappointed with automakers as the holiday season rolls around. Out of the hundreds of marques I looked through, a mere six had ugly Christmas apparel, which I will happily share with you under the belief that it will encourage automakers to do much better next year.
Merry Mopar
Everyone’s made a big deal about this Mopar sweater, and I have to admit that a big ol’ Hemi plastered across your chest is certainly going to win you “worst taste at the Christmas party.” I have to add an edit here to say that, in the time I wrote this blog, the sweater has been sold out—but if you know anyone out there real skilled at knitting, you might want to show them this picture to get them prepped for next year.
Dodge Delights
Alanis King has written about the wonderful stock of holiday-themed items that flood the Dodge warehouse around Christmastime, and the brand hasn’t disappointed this year, either. Whether you want a gaudy sweater with a Dodge sleigh or a Hellcat reindeer onesie, Dodge has you covered.
Home Ford the Holidays
Is a Ford truck all you want for Christmas? Is that a little outside of your budget? Then maybe you can opt for this classy Ford sweater wishing you a happy holidays and begging for a good ol’ truck.
A Mercedes Wonderland
I’m going to be honest—Mercedes surprised me here. I wouldn’t have pegged it to be a brand getting in on the ugly sweater trend, but Merc has two for you to pick from.
Now, these aren’t super ugly. In fact, they’re rather classy. You could probably get away with wearing these bad boys to casual Friday throughout the winter months. These are probably the only kind of ugly automotive sweaters I could get my husband to wear.
Rudolph the RAM-Nosed Reindeer
There’s nothing more intimidating than a big RAM grill. Now picture that on the front of the sweater you wear to all your holiday parties. That’s what RAM has done with its 2020 Christmas sweater, and it is exceptional. And by ‘exceptional,’ I mean ‘awful.’ And by ‘awful,’ I mean I desperately want one.
Holly Jolly Jeeps
Okay, I’ll be honest. This one has to be my favorite. I’m no Jeep fiend, but the fact that the brand has released an ugly sweater and a matching one for your dog? I’m sold. I want one for me, and I want one for every pet I ever come across, thank you very much.