Oh, jeezis. This commercial feels like some ad exec let his kid come up with the idea in their freshman-year creative writing class. It’s a clunky, ham-fisted metaphor that doesn’t even really make any sense when you think about it for even two seconds.


So, the car is driving through Childhood, which is portrayed as a mechanized, cookie-cutter experience, for some reason, and then the road of life there goes right from Childhood to Old Age?

There’s no middle part? You know, the part that most of us consider “life?” And when the Ion turns off to the right there, what’s that mean? Are they refusing to grow old? In a sensible, boring four-door silver sedan?


Who are you kidding, Saturn? This is stupid.

Let’s watch another one, because we deserve to hurt:

Okay, same basic idea, drive an Ion on a road with signs that mark life stages, or some shit, and everything else happens outside. Like here, there’s a big outdoor prom, the Ion drives through it and leaves ‘High School.’


The fuck?

The tagline doesn’t help:

“The Saturn Ion. Specifically designed and engineered for whatever’s next.”

You know what? Maybe I’ll give them some credit. Kill the last bit of the tagline and I think you’ll have something close to what the Ion is: specifically designed and engineered for whatever.


Because that’s as much as anyone ever really seemed to give a shit about this thing.