Marc Marquez Cannot Be Human

Illustration for article titled Marc Marquez Cannot Be Human
Photo: Marc Marquez

Pictured here is the alien species Marc Marquez leaving a MotoGP medical examination in Jerez, Spain to determine if the Honda rider and six-time-world-champion has enough range of motion to pilot his race bike this weekend. The double-thumbs-up is a typically human non-verbal communication device to portray good news. That good news is, in fact, that Marquez passed his examination and will be riding in the Andalusian Grand Prix as normal. This comes just four days after a crash broke his right arm, with subsequent plate-and-bolt surgery just TWO DAYS AGO!

Illustration for article titled Marc Marquez Cannot Be Human
Screenshot: MotoGP

With four laps to go in last Sunday’s Spanish Grand Prix he who purports to be a 27-year-old human male from Cervera, Spain was pitched from his bike in a high side crash. As he tumbled to a stop in the gravel trap on the outside of the left-hand Turn 4 Marquez was holding his right hand aloft clearly in pain. A series of X-rays unveiled that his right humerus bone was fractured in twain, a diaphyseal fracture. Crucially, however, there was no damage to the radial nerve.

Earlier in the race Marquez recovered from a low side at the same corner with a ride across the gravel trap, dropping well down the order. Prior to the incident in which he found injury, the absolute monster on two wheels was back in a podium position fighting Yamaha rider Maverick Vinales for second. A true and proper beast, he is. Clearly this level of competitiveness, quick healing, and strength of conviction are not human characteristics. If he’s not from another planet, he must, at a minimum, be a student of Charles Xavier’s school for gifted youngsters.

Legendary MotoGP surgeon Dr. Xavier Mir set to work as quickly as the patient arrived. Initial reports declared the defending champion unfit to compete for the rest of the 2020 season. Once the surgery was over, Marquez himself stunned the press by reporting that he’d be back for the Czech Grand Prix in early August. All doctors involved said he would not compete this weekend, and Honda agreed. After passing today’s fitness test, however, Marquez beat his own goal and will again be on his bike at Jerez.


What the fuck? If I sleep on a pillow with the wrong density I can’t walk right for a week. This crazy bastard has the gall to stunt on the human race this way? Come on!


According to MotoGP’s medical director, Dr. Angel Charte, the medical examination unit tested all of the movements that involve this kind of injury and it turns out he was able to do them perfectly. “There were no signs of pain or mechanical inability of his right arm, and therefore the exhaustive medical examination, although it seems strange to us, has been positive. It proves the rider is perfectly ready to race. At what percentage, that can’t be told, but he fulfils the rigorous medical protocol for this type of injury.”

Absolutely mindboggling. Clearly Marc Marquez isn’t like you or I. Grip it and rip it, you little alien. Forza Marquez!

Jalopnik contributor with a love for everything sketchy and eclectic.


Fix It Again Tony

And he’s going to win this weekend or something ridiculous like that too.