Hey, pals! You know how everything is terrible, and you never seem to know what to do, and your life and your car and your car’s life and your life’s car are all a mess, and everything seems stupid and hopeless and wrong? Of course you do. Most people are just going to get the hell away from you, in case whatever you have rubs off.

But not Torch and David! We’re your real friends, and we’re going to be here, every Wednesday, to answer your questions about cars and life and love and cars and living, all without judgment or worthwhile answers. It’s just what you need.

By now you know that, really, nobody loves you like we do, and we genuinely want the best for you. What makes our advice column different from all those other seedy advice columns out there are two key things:

• We’re here to give advice on repairs, builds, fixes, problems, and also issues in your general life including but not limited to: relationship advice, career guidance, spiritual advising and helping you find meaning in your life

• We’re not really all that great at giving advice

Truth be told, David and I (I’m the one who’s not David) are, let’s be honest, kind of fuckups. But somehow, we’re happy fuckups, so let’s pretend that’s good enough. We’ve got some life experience, some car experience, and a lot of ridiculous ideas and opinions: in short, just what you need for guidance.

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You can ask us anything. It can be about that weird noise your car is making, or that weird rash on your hip, or why that person you’re into won’t talk to you, or why you can’t stop crying every time someone mentions the concept of dry cleaning.

We’ll do our best to come up with earnest, if insipid, answers for you, and maybe even seek out advice from one of the seven billion or so people smarter than us on Earth. It’ll be fun, right? Right?

David: Just to be clear: You’ll be getting advice from two deeply messed up human beings. But since it’s free, you might as well take it and use it. I’m sure it’ll turn out fine. Probably.

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Anyway, send your questions to tips@jalopnik.com with the subject HELP ME TORCH AND DAVID.