King Asshole Parks In Handicap Spot, Refuses To Leave Car To Be Towed

Illustration for article titled King Asshole Parks In Handicap Spot, Refuses To Leave Car To Be Towed

In a stunningly bold, last-minute bid to become the most Colossal Dickface of 2014, Matthew Saunders of Birmingham, UK is, as we speak, sitting in his car, refusing to be towed away because he parked in a disabled parking place. He's been there over six hours so far. This douchebag is in it to win it.


Here's what happened: Saunders went into the Birmingham city center area to pick up a friend from work, and, already planning his bold ploy to capture the King Asshole crown at this early stage, parked in a 'disabled' (what those kooky Englishmen call a handicapped) parking space. Since Saunders wasn't you know, disabled, that's illegal, so his Vauxhall Tigra was loaded onto a flatbed tow truck.

At some point in this process, Saunders returned, saw his car on the flatbed, and climbed up back into his car, where he's remained ever since. Legally, the car cannot be towed or impounded while he's inside, so he's holing up for the long haul, stating that he's "Staying in car all night."


The reason he's doing this is because he says

"If they take it off me I haven't got the funds to release it,"

... since the car being towed and impounded would cost him £105 ($163) plus £12/day ($18.61) for storage. The ticket itself he's willing to pay, and that's £35 ($54) if he pays within 14 days. So, instead of, you know, not fucking parking in a handicapped space illegally if he's so fucking broke he can't pay these fees, Emperor Douche of the Dickweed Isles has been holding up traffic and keeping a tow truck, tow truck driver, and several cops doing fuck-all in the middle of the road for over six hours.

Hell, those fees don't even sound that awful. In LA I once paid almost a grand to get my truck out of impound, and I didn't do anything nearly as dickish as parking in a handicapped spot — that was for a lapsed registration.

So, let's all hail the new King Asshole, Matthew the First. A man — no, let's call this what it is — a hero who, even though he was low on funds, bravely parked in perhaps the most obvious tow-away spot known to driverkind, and is now somehow indignant that his car will be towed.


Perhaps King Asshole will permanently set up court there, in his regal Vauxhall, perched atop that flatbed like a glorious blue beacon to the art of doing something stupid and then never refusing to take the consequences. Dickheads all over the globe can come to Birmingham, find the King by the surrounding traffic jam, and pay tribute to their new lord.

All hail King Asshole! Long may he reign. In his car, cold and alone.

UPDATE: He won. So, there you go. Park in a tow-away handicapped spot, sit in your car for 8 hours going on and on about human rights, and then, you know, profit. It's a triumph for the undying spirit of man.


(Thanks, Johnnyfingerbang.)

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Non-disabled people who use handicapped spots should be forced into temporary disabilities as punishment, a la Harrison Bergeron.


Everyone that has ever needed one.