Kia Telluride's Family Features Make It A Great Car If You're Too Dumb To Buy A Minivan

When someone with a family asks my advice about what family car to buy, 100 percent of the time I tell them to just buy a minivan. This is always followed with "But I don't want one. They're lame," to which I say, "You are dumb." It's happened more times than I can count.

Eventually, though, I give up on trying to convince them how dumb they are and delve into my bench of family cars to buy that aren't minivans. After spending a whole lot of time with the Kia Telluride SX Prestige, this has rocketed to the top of that list. Few vehicles on the market today are this well-rounded when it comes to being a mid-sized family hauler. It can do just about everything a minivan can do (without the badass sliding doors) plus it can tow and haul more, and it's got a little bit more off-roading cred. When you consider the price premium for this car over a full-loaded minivan, it's really not a bad package.

So, while I do still think minivans are the superior mode of transportation for anyone looking to haul a family around, this is one very compelling alternative. I came to that conclusion after driving this gray Telluride for nearly 500 miles, experiencing all of the family-friendly features it has to offer.

That's what we're delving into here. I'm not going to bother telling you how the Telluride drives. Who gives a shit? It's a 4,500-pound crossover with a naturally aspirated 3.8-liter V6 that pushes out a very average 291 horsepower and 262 pound-feet of torque. Basically, it's fine. It doesn't matter how it drives.

What does matter is what sort of features are packed into the interior that makes the miserable job of being a parent just that little bit easier, so why don't take a look at all of the family-friendly features the 2024 Kia Telluride SX Prestige has to offer?

Full Disclosures: Kia was kind enough to lend me this Telluride SX Prestige to do with as I pleased for about a week. It was a very nice thing for the automaker to do.

Passenger Talk is a really great little feature that I can see popping up in more cars as time goes on. Basically, there's a little microphone by the front seats that projects sound to speakers in the third row. It means you don't have to raise your voice to yell at your goddamn awful kids about hitting each other. In a car as big as the Telluride, that's a Godsend.

This is just a really thoughtful feature. Basically, what it does is mute the rear speakers so that only the front's are active. That means you can still listen to your alt-right parenting podcast without waking up your littles. It's just a smart piece of design.

The Telluride SX Prestige comes with second-row captain chairs that are as roomy as they are comfortable. Your little brat child will ruin the fine leather surfaces, but they will be comfortable when they do it.

Kia makes it super easy for third-row passengers to get to the place they've been condemned to be. In theory, they can crawl through the middle aisle between the second-row seats, but that isn't dignified. With a push of a button on either the side of the seat or next to the headrest, the seat rolls and folds forward, making third-row access a breeze. Kia even includes a little step to make life easier for those riding in steerage.

I've driven cars that cost wayyyyyy more than the Telluride that didn't even come with front ventilated seats. For this car to come with rear ventilated captains chairs was mightily impressive to me. I appreciate little things like that.

If those hearted and cooled seats weren't good enough for your rear passengers, don't worry. They've got an entire third climate zone to themselves. It's perfect for giving kids agency and getting out of having to change the temperature for them when they're too hot or too cold. Of course, you can still do all that from up front, but let the kids have a little control, ya know?

A minivan will obviously have more space, but this isn't too bad, now is it? Your kids are barely within arm's reach of each other. While black isn't the most exciting car color there is, the large dual sunroofs make up for that by letting a ton of light flood into the cabin space.

If you look very closely on the left side near the window, you'll see a little pull tab. That, my friends, is for the built-in sunshade (or peasant blocker depending on your mood). That's quite nifty, and you won't have to worry about it breathing like an electronic one on a higher-end car.

Even with the third row up, the Telluride has an extremely generous 21 cubic feet of cargo room. That's not too shabby. If you end up needing more, a quick pull of that strap you see hanging there will make the rear seats disappear in a jiffy. That'll more than double cargo space to 46 cubic feet.

If you plan on putting a ton of shit in your Telluride and have no kids, well dammit, you've pretty much got a van's worth of cargo room to use. With all of the rear seats down, the Telluride boasts an impressive 87 cubic feet of cargo space. You can get your mother-in-law back there.

Having a family means you've gotta be ready for anything, and that's what the Telluride's drive modes let happen. No matter what scenario you're in (short of rock crawling), the big three-row crossover has a corresponding mode. Hell, it's even got a locking center diff. That shit is wild on a car like this.

So, my friends, that is the 2024 Kia Telluride SX Prestige. In just about every single way, it's a wonderful family crossover that provides a really compelling suite of tech and features at a price that won't break the bank ($54,540 as tested, including destination).

Through my time with the car, it really proved to be an excellent vehicle that could handle just about every task thrown at it. There's still just one problem though: the very fact that the minivan exists. A minivan can do 99 percent of what a Telluride can. Sure it'll be a bit better off-road and you can tow more, but other than that, a minivan handily wins. A smarter person will buy a minivan in this situation.

However, I am not a smart person, and because of that, I would also go with something like the Telluride if I had a family of 2.4 nightmares and a wife who loved me.

Minivans are brilliant, but I like the Kia Telluride.