As much as we hate to admit it, we all harbor unconscious prejudices. This is especially true with regard to cars, where many assumptions are made based on very little information. So in order to determine the exact nature of one’s own internal automotive prejudices, we’ve developed a simple test.
This test was designed using a state-of-the-art algorithm designed at the University of Southleft Franklin’s award-acknowledging Department of Automotive Psychology, and the final product was generated entirely by a deep-learning neural net running on the newly-upgraded Jalopnik Mainframe, which now sports two more Z80 co-processors and a much better joystick.
I think you’ll find the results enlightening. Please be as honest as possible with your answers, and don’t overthink it—go with your gut.
1. You’re in a parking lot, and a white Excalibur pulls next to you and stops. Do you:
A. Prepare for your death due to cologne inhalation
B. Ready yourself to help the decrepit oil heiress exit her vehicle
C. Assume a fighting posture
2. You’re in a parking lot, when you see a 2007 Mustang GT approaching. Do you:
A. Dive for cover behind a tree
B. Dive for cover behind a hydrant
C. Just try to escape any group of more than three people
3. You’ve just stopped at a stop light when a Qvale Mangusta pulls up alongside you. Do you:
A. Feel a pang of regret it isn’t one of the good Mangustas
B. Wave your pink slip in the window, because fuck it
C. Grab a skin and hair sample from the incredibly rare specimen of a human who bought a Qvale Mangusta
4. You have your first date with a person you met online. They pull up to your door in a black Isuzu Gemini. Do you:
A. Remove your underwear, because it’ll just slow you down
B. Download a bunch of facts about the Teapot Dome scandal to your phone for reference during dinner
C. Bite down on your cyanide tooth
5. You call for an Uber, and when you go out to the car you find yourself facing a well-maintained Chevy HHR. Do you:
A. Get in the car, but avoid conversation and eye contact with the driver
B. Get in the car, but sit backwards in the front so your eyes never leave the driver’s face
C. Wait for the Uber in the PT Cruiser instead, for personal reasons
6. You decide you want a ‘fun’ car to enjoy alongside your daily driver. A car enthusiast friend says they have just the thing, and shows you a poorly-maintained Buick Reatta. Do you:
A. Thank your friend with a hug, and a one-time-only kiss because the situation demands it
B. Accept the car with genuine delight but know at that moment something has broken between the two of you
C. Turn and walk away, never to return to your old life again
7. You’re out with a friend when a yellow 1973 Volkswagen Beetle with black hood stripes stops at a traffic light in front of you. Do you:
A. Advise your friend not to look at the car, because that just gives the driver exactly what he wants
B. Look at the driver, because you know he knows and you know that he knows
C. Yell at me to get the hell out of your neighborhood
8. You see a white Ford Econoline van drive up to a child and stop. The side door slides open. Do you:
A. Smile, because it’s nice to know some things never change
B. Scream in terror, because it’s nice to know some things never change
C. Hope they have Twix
9. Your car throws a rod and leaves you stranded by the side of the road. A Bugatti Veyron pulls to a stop, and opens the door. A hand beckons you to enter. What sort of hand is it?
A. A woman’s hand, long, manicured nails, burgundy polish, dangling a dead tarantula
B. A mechanical hand, much like Johnny 5's from Short Circuit
C. A claw of a large bird, like an ostrich or emu
10. You find a mysterious box that can tell your future based on what car key you find when you open the box. Which of these keys will give you the most hope for your future?
A. A key to a Pontiac Solstice, but it’s dripping with what appears to be duck sauce
B. A key to a Studebaker Avanti, but the key chain is a bloody pacifier
C. A key to a BMW Isetta, but it’s encased in a sphere of frozen methane
Okay! Thanks for taking the quiz! To grade yourself, give yourself 6 points for every A, 3 points for every B, and 1.5 points for every C answer.
The higher your number, the higher your level of automotive tolerance, except for odd-number results, which indicate a lack of honesty for at least 25% of the responses.
This is science, people! I hope we’ve all learned something about ourselves.