Our pals over at CarNewsChina led us down a very degenerate path today by introducing us to a previously-unknown car accessory: the inflatable car mattress. On its own, it just seems like a clever, practical device so you can comfortably sleep in your car. But the advertising tells a different story. A clumsily Photoshopped sexy story.

The inflatable mattresses themselves are really pretty clever things. They’re designed to work around transmission humps and wheel wells, and most of them manage to create impressively large, flat, cushioned (and often fuzzy) plains of comfy, captive air.

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These mattresses are sold on sites like Taobao, and the way they seem to be sold involves two approaches: with clumsily Photoshopped kids on them, or clumsily Photoshopped women on them, with the ones with women creepily edging into pornography. Emphasis on creepily.

So what can you do on these mattresses? Lots of the photos show kids playing, some show people resting, but most seem to suggest that throwing one of these glorified pool rafts into the back of your Land Wind will turn your SUV into a mobile boinking-palace.

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Here, let’s look at some — and, unlike a lot of stuff I do, I promise you all these ads are real and unaltered. You can check here and find them yourself!

If you like your ladies tiny and unconscious, this forest-green SUV-mattress seems like an ideal choice.

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Did I mention how much really tiny women seem to love these things? Look at this sexy little car-sprite, with her magic talking shoe. What’s that, shoe? The blue fuzzy texture of this mattress is making you aroused? You and me both, shoe. You and me both.

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Even slightly bigger women are drawn to these, especially when they just want to relax, cast no shadows, and lean very improbably.

Okay, this one isn’t a sexy one, but I like the story it seems to be telling: “Have two kids but only want to take one to the beach? Leave the one you like less in the car, on this orange inflatable mattress! It’s great!”

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More tiny women, but this one is special because her junk seems to cast an eerie, bright yellow light.

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Shhhh! This very very tiny woman is sleeping! She might be some sort of fairy or something, so don’t wake her up or she may spray fairy dust on you and you’ll get glitter lung.

“Hey dollface. Why don’t you come on in the back of my car here and relax? What’s that, baby? You want to defy the laws of physics and mechanics? Sure, sweetie, knock yourself out.”

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This feels like some sort of ancient fertility tableau or something. Hm.

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Patrick said this one was too much like porn to include. I guess he’s right. Still, if you really want to, here’s the link. Remember, this is to sell an inflatable car mattress.

This mattress is designed with a special wormhole that can summon midwestern high schoolers on prom night and teleport them right into the back of your car.

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Oh yeah. Bone away, tiny, tanned people. Sure, you’ve got to be about 4 feet tall to be in that position in the back of an SUV, but who wouldn’t want a couple of sexy, sexy Hobbitses going at it in the back of their car on a teal-and-yellow inflatable mattress? No one, that’s who.

Also, what happened to his legs? They’re melting into the mattress. Is that a thing that happens?

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I think I need a shower.


Contact the author at jason@jalopnik.com.