If I had to rank unpleasant things in human life, I think I’d probably stick Homeowner’s Associations (HOA) somewhere between groin rashes and eating a chunk of mold you thought was cheese. They’re awful. In case you don’t believe me, I have some piping-hot, fresh evidence for you: A Tennessee HOA tried to fine a woman because her Honda left a sort-of dick-shaped shadow in a light dusting of snow while it was parked. I wish I was kidding.
“A few weeks ago we got a pitiful little snow that was barely really a frost. Just enough to cause a little trouble of the roads (cause any sort of weather causes troubles on the roads here), but nothing severe. So my husband and I go out, get in our cars, and leave for the work day.
Awhile later (I don’t remember if it was five days or a week), we get an email from the HOA saying we are being fined for something. They aren’t very specific at first, but they are saying it’s about the snow and our cars. We are very confused. There is not enough snow to shovel, as you will soon see.
Finally after a few back and forth emails, they simply send us a picture “describing the problem.”
This was the picture she was sent:
Are you fucking kidding me? Okay, I guess it does sort of look dickish, a bit, but it also sort of looks like a dog bone or a stubby version of the spaceship from the movie 2001. What it doesn’t look is either intentional or offensive.
If you or I or any other rational human being walked by such a spot of non-snow dust, maybe you’d notice it and think ha ha that sorta looks like a dick because, you know, dicks.
What you wouldn’t do is send an email that included text like this:
“Good afternoon, [names]
We are emailing you in regards to a recent incident involving your car on January 23rd. We have received reports that it is in violation of our by-laws. We have photographic evidence regarding this fact. Please know that you will be fined $100 in accordance with regards to our by-laws about displaying offensive images or slogans.”
That’s from the email ResovoirKat was sent, provided to us upon request. They actually want $100 because her Honda blocked a light snow in such a way that some loon at the HOA thought looked too phallic for, uh, proper parking lot etiquette.
Also, it’s not like the HOA was even under the illusion that somehow Kat had deliberately fashioned the snow-dusting into the phallus. We know this because a follow-up email explains after Kat replied to the original email asking what the hell they were talking about:
“Good evening, [name] We are referring to the incident on January 23rd, in which we had a small snow overnight. Your car, specifically the Honda, left this offensive image on the ground after you left. I believe you will see why we have had complaints about it. One of our residents took the photo and reported it to us out of concern for our younger residents.”
This is, of course, madness. Chance cock-shaped madness.
I mean, really, shouldn’t the HOA be sending angry emails to Honda for designing a car that leaves dick imprints when stationary in snow? That makes as much sense as trying to fine the owner.
Also, “concern for our younger residents?” Are kids really going to be traumatized by seeing a patch of damp asphalt that sort of looks like a dick, if you’re already kinda thinking about dicks? Call me an idealist, but I feel our brave American children can withstand such an assault.
After Kat replied back and made it clear that the imprint was not intentional, and was closer to “act of God territory” (I guess the HOA could go after God—after all, dicks were that dude’s idea in the first place, right?) and a lightly-veiled threat of talking to a lawyer, the HOA backed down, saying
“We understand. We will not be pursuing this further, in good faith pursuant to the wording of the by-laws.”
You HOA dumbasses, you’re not dropping this because of the “wording of the by laws”—this whole thing was deeply and lavishly idiotic from the get-go. By this HOA’s same logic, they could try and fine a homeowner who had a cloud shaped like a dick hovering over their address.
It’s astounding any of this happened. Ours is a glorious world where ghostly images of dicks can appear at will, and where morons who run HOAs can get offended by them, and try to squeeze $100 out of someone as a result.
I suppose I should mention that it’s possible all of this was made up, just for fun. I’m trusting the OP here, and, while I don’t necessarily think that’s the case, I don’t really have absolute bulletproof evidence all of this went down like this. I have quotes from emails she sent to me, and her word.
Still, having heard many HOA stories, I can’t say it’s difficult to believe this, either. And it’d be a pretty weird thing to lie about. But, just to be honest and open, you should know it is a possibility.
That’s ok. It’s still pretty funny.