Idiot Shocked Spare Tires Aren't Standard Anymore: #BoycottCadillac

There's a valuable lesson here. No matter how dedicated you are to the cause of I Don't Know Shit About Cars, sometimes it doesn't hurt to know just a little. Alternately, you could go full freakout like Jerry Ascione, and make a big deal out of the fact that you didn't know some cars have been getting rid of spare tires for, oh, a decade or so.

Here's what seems to have happened: Jerry Ascione was driving his 2013 Cadillac ATS last night when he had a flat tire. I'll let him tell what happened next, from his Facebook feed:

Time to light up another corporate pig. @cadillac take notice you have messed with the wrong person.

Had a simple flat tire last night at 10p in North Miami 40 miles away from my house. Pull over to find there's NO SPARE TIRE AND RIM in this 2013 Cadillac ATS PIECE OF JUNK. Instead there's a fix a flat tire pump thing you plug into the cigarette lighter. Didn't fill up the tire.

Call the 1-800 Roadside assistance number in the manual. Girl from Allstate, the company that handles the 24 hour roadside says the car has run flats and I can go 40mph for 50 miles on them. Went 2 miles at 28mph and thought the car was going to swerve off the road.

Called back, she made a mistake. This model doesn't have run flats. 2 hour wait for a tow truck. Get home 1am.

Wake up, call my local Ed Morse Dealer, guy tries to up sell me for 4 tires at over $1,000. Call corporate, tell them everything..."Sorry Mr. Ascione we can do nothing for you..

🚨 No problem darling, watch this. Everyone of my followers go to @cadillac IG, Twitter , and Facebook page and type "‪#‎boycottcadillac‬" on everyone of there pictures to show them the middle class means business.

🚨 I asked nicely for help to a multi billion dollar company and was told they can do nothing for me. Light em up. I will be giving away 1/25 inserts randomly to those that #boycottcadillac on their photos, tag them and repost this.


So, let's just clarify some things here: first, those "inserts" he's using as incentives are some kind of coupon somethings. I'm really not sure — just looking at that many coupons at once puts me into a light coma. More importantly, while I completely sympathize with the plight of anyone standing up to a large company over an injustice, it would really, really help if there was actually something, you know, unjust happening. Or even something at least unusual. But complaining that your car doesn't have a spare tire is sort of like slapping the bellboy at a hotel because your room doesn't have a fax machine.

All these histrionics are really puzzling. According to Jerry Ascione's IMDB page, he claims he

Owns a 2003 Onyx Black Turbo Lexus IS 300. The car has 400 horsepower to the wheels.

Of course, he also says he

Has an IQ of 174.

... so you'd think between those two things he'd realize that many cars (as many as one in seven as of 2012, and more now) have been eliminating spare tires in favor of run-flats or tire patching/inflation kits. Hell, this started in 2003 (you can remember that, Jerry, because that's the same year was your magic 400 WHP Lexus) with the Kia Rio, and today there's literally hundreds of cars that have no spare. Here's a list. It includes such standouts as the Audi TT, Lincoln MKZ, Jaguar F-Type, Chevy Volt, and every Aston Martin and Lotus currently made.


It's not just Cadillac. It's been common for years and years. And, Jerry, you could have at least tried the tire inflation system.


Jerry Ascione is tweeting about Cadillac's awful customer service, but that's sort of like complaining that your new BRZ doesn't have a tow hitch. It doesn't have one. It wasn't sold with one. It never had one. What does he want them to do, exactly? Okay, the person on the phone made a mistake about the run-flats, but, again, the only problem here still is that Jerry wanted a car with a spare, assumed his car had one, and was wrong.

Also, if spare tires are such a big deal for this guy, didn't he at least, you know, check before he bought the car? I mean, sure, lots of people may not think to look under that panel in the trunk, but based on this guy's reaction, spare tire ownership seems like a big deal.


So, Jerry, despite absolutely everything I'm reading about you online and your twitter feed and all that, I'm assuming you're a decent human. So, please, take my advice here — this isn't a fight worth having. You're livid at a company for doing something that's become common in the industry that you could have easily known about at any time.


If you want to crusade for required spare tires in every car sold in America, have at it. I'm sure you can find plenty of other people who agree. But this isn't a Cadillac-specific thing at all. If you really want to #BoycottCadillac, do it for their mistreatment of Detroit or inane statements like "We want to be a global luxury brand that happens to sell cars."

But not because they, like almost every other fucking car company, doesn't always include a spare tire. Jesus, buddy, just do at least one Google search before you go all clamshit on something like this.

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