I just got back from the Lane Motor Museum in Nashville, where I was shooting a new season of Jason Drives, so if you’d like to get excited about that, I won’t stop you. One of the cars I really wanted for this season was the Velorex Oskar, a little Czech microcar that’s sort of built like if someone stretched a leather gimp suit over a small jungle gym. Sadly, the little Velorex wasn’t interested in really staying running, so I didn’t get to drive it, but I did get to notice what may be the most obscene-seeming automotive detail I’ve seen since at least breakfast.
Want to see it? Of course you do.
Okay, so to understand what’s going on, you need to know a bit about the steering mechanism of a Velorex. Here’s the bit to know:
There’s a lateral rod that’s part of the (I think) simple worm and roller steering setup that’s actually a bit too long for the “body” of the Velorex, so the leather skin has a little hole for it to peek out when the steering is cranked all the way to the side. It’s weird, sure, to see a little rod peek out of a little hole, but it’s a Velorex, so weird is pretty on-brand.
Now, the Lane’s Velorex has this little steering rod detail, but for some reason—perhaps to improve the weatherproofing of the car an eliminate a point of potential water entry—the Lane’s Velorex has its steering rod thing encased in a little accordioned black rubber tube:
Okay, I can understand the logic behind doing it this way, but what I think wasn’t really anticipated by this adaption was the, um, motion of that little tube.
You see, it normally hangs there, kinda floppily, but when the wheel is cranked and the rod enters that boot, well, the floppy little hose, um, stiffens up. And stops drooping. Grows a bit longer, too.
Fine, I’ll say it. It looks like a strange robotic penis growing aroused.
It’s unsettling, seeing this very penile appendage grow turgid and then flaccid again as the car steers around. It’s just biological-seeming enough to feel kind of strangely obscene.
I should have taken a little video of it, so you could see for yourselves. Actually, you know what? Maybe it’s just as well I didn’t. I don’t want this site getting blocked by parental controls or whatever. Besides, I’m pretty sure everyone can picture what it looks like just fine.
Cars have been called phallic plenty, and shapes and details of lots of cars have been compared to the human form many, many times. But I really can’t think of any other car that has a little rubber dong that gets hard and soft as you steer the car?
I’ve been trying to determine if this modification is unique to the Lane’s Velorex or if it was ever a factory thing. Most Velorexes I’ve seen in pictures just have the exposed rod:
If you’re a Velorex owner, I’m going to say this is the way to do it. Just let that little rod slide in and out. It may be a tiny bit suggestive, but it’s not a floppy/firm rubber wang there by the wheel.
Remember, children look at Velorexes! Children!