I’ll Tell You Which Volkswagen Would Be Great For Fucking: The Bus, If VW Ever Makes It

There’s a new Volkswagen ad that’s getting a lot of attention right now because it depicts vigorous, repeated, family-spawning fucking in cars. There’s nothing wrong with in-car boning, but this ad does beg one very important question: why isn’t Volkswagen building the finest fuckmobile of all time?


In case you haven’t yet seen the ad, here it is:

There’s a lot of interesting things to note in this ad. First, if you’re going to bone in a car, turn off your lights, people! Every time these people go at it in their VWs, they have all the lights on. That just draws attention; even those cows knew what’s up, and they’re generally idiots.

Also, just take a moment and consider how lucky these two people are that they met. What are the odds of finding a partner who is as into semi-public, unprotected and procreative sex in Volkswagens as you are? These two horndogs were made for each other.

If we look at the chain of cars this growing family went through, it’s pretty telling: New Beetle to Jetta to Tiguan to Atlas. This all seems like a good deal for the VW dealer, but the truth is at every point in this idealized trade-up path, each moment where they decide they need a bigger car is a point where VW as a brand could potentially lose people.

There’s real competition out there; the only way Volkswagen can really guarantee they can hold on to the steadily-growing family carfucker demographic like this is to have a vehicle that is better for not just car-fucking, but the inevitable result of repeated, unprotected car fucking.

And they alone have such a vehicle: a new Microbus.


They’ve just recently teased yet another one, and they claim it’s coming within five years. I hope they mean that, because this commercial shows the need for such a vehicle. VW has to show, what, four separate cars to try and fill this need, when they could be building one that does it all.

A new Microbus will be far, far better for determined car-fuckers like this couple. It has the fun, retro charm of the New Beetle, the car they started with, and offers better people-and-stuff hauling potential than anything they traded up to, including the nice-but-anonymous Atlas.

I use this GIF any chance I get

Instead of risking this family moving to a possibly cheaper and more reliable Japanese or Korean crossover or SUV offering, if VW had sold this family an entry-level Microbus, the only thing they might consider moving to is a newer, better Microbus in a few years.


Why? Because with these people, you know that once they started making babies, vigorously and sweatily, inside a roomy, fuck-friendly Microbus, there’s no way in hell they’re going to try the next one in a CR-V. Forget it.

Volkswagen needs to watch their own ad with open eyes, and if someone isn’t getting yelled at to get this new Microbus out the door faster, something’s very wrong.


Come on, Volkswagen. Think of the sweet, sweet car-fuckers.

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus, 2020 Changli EV • Not-so-running: 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!: https://rb.gy/udnqhh)



There’s a bigger question, here:

Why the fuck do they seemingly wait until the young child is 6-12 months to buy a larger car every damn time? Why don’t they get that taken care of before it comes, when they know it will be an issue?