If you zoom in on the teaser picture BMW just released, you’ll see that there are lines for two doors. As in, two doors per side. Which means this is most certainly a sedan. Probably the 8 Series sedan. The chances that BMW will call it a “Gran Coupe” seem dangerously high. Can we knock it off with that already?

Much to the annoyance of the community of car nerds, BMW has insisted on calling its long-looking sedans “Gran Coupes” for a time now. Mercedes is in on the practice, too, even going as far as calling its SUVs and crossovers “coupes.”

I’m going to set the record straight once and for all here:

COUPES HAVE TWO DOORS. SEDANS HAVE FOUR.

COUPES HAVE TWO DOORS. SEDANS HAVE FOUR.

COUPES HAVE TWO DOORS. SEDANS HAVE FOUR.

Names exist for a reason, and that reason is to establish order and an agreed-upon description and representation of the object when it is being discussed in the abstract.

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Who gave BMW the right to come along and upset all of that because it wanted to be trendy and/or marketable? Adding that self-conscious little “gran” in front of “coupe” does not magically turn the car into a two-door vehicle. We cannot simply ignore its rear doors. That is asking far too much, BMW.

Screenshot: BMW

It’s also endlessly confusing because BMW also offers both sedans and coupes in its lineup and they are called as much. The BMW 2 Series coupe. The BMW 5 Series sedan. What makes a Gran Coupe worthy of being classified as a coupe? Its wheelbase is longer than a coupe’s, certainly. Perhaps the reason lies in the silhouette? That a Gran Coupe is sleeker and more coupe-like than its sedan brethren?

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That’s too bad, because coupes are not described using their silhouettes, they are identified by the number of their doors. If a BMW Gran Coupe gets into an accident, I can almost guarantee you that it’ll be called a “sedan” on the police report.

This new 8 Series—or whatever it turns out to be—is BMW’s chance at tabula rasa. A blank slate of car nomenclature, where is can still offer a lovely 8 Series Coupe. But, also! An equally wonderful 8 Series Sedan. The former with two doors and the latter with four. And then it can finally start the movement of phasing out this whole “Gran Coupe” silliness.

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But I guess since we are all now living in a truly nihilistic dystopian hellscape where nothing means anything anymore, then that probably means BMW can carry on naming its shit whatever the fuck it wants. We all should!

Here, I’ll start. Introducing the new BMW 8 Series Gran Coupe. Don’t mind the sign; it’s wrong.

Photo: Queena (Flickr)