I suppose some of you might think I’m a gold-thirsty and heartless monster, but I didn’t ask for this reputation, that’s just you plebs being jealous. I do have a heart, actually, and I’ll prove it to you by telling you a little story about how I gifted a limousine to my friend, V.

Now, V (Vladimir Putin to you, underling) and I go way back. We’ve been through proxy wars, shady black market deals, election hacking and sticking it out to the very end of Dexter, even though it was more painful than having your fingernails removed with tweezers. (Which is also something we may or may not have done together. The KGB isn’t exactly the March of Dimes, is what I’m saying.)

I want the best for V. I really do. He worked hard to get to where he is and he’s only got his country’s best interest at heart. It’s admirable and inspirational, really, especially for someone apolitical like me.

But then, a little while ago, he phoned me with something rare, a request for a new ride. Of course I obliged. You know how it is. Your friend needs a new car, and you’re in the position to give them one (or five). This was the case with me and V.

See, I had had the limo commissioned to be completed for the next time I was going to pay him a visit. But I don’t need another limo. Not really. So, I let V have it. He’d put it to better use than me, anyways.

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Listen, guys, it comes down to this. You can’t take it with you. Life is about the relationships you keep.

So when I turned on the TV today and saw V take his inaugural ride in the Russian-made limo, I actually got kind of choked up. It’s a beautiful limo, with a big, solid grille that’ll be great for smashing through protesters and dreams of post-Soviet autonomy. What more can you ask for in an official government ride?

V hasn’t released technical specs yet, but I wouldn’t put it past him to have had the limo bullet- and explosion-proofed to hell. Better to be safe than sorry! I taught him that one.

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According to Reuters, a witness of the inaugural ride said the limo was “cooler than (U.S. President Donald) Trump’s.” (HAH!) This witness definitely said so on the record without any threat to his family looming over his head whatsoever. That’s just not V’s style.

The website also reports:

Under development since 2012, the limousine is being produced by a Russian research institute known by the acronym NAMI, and will be distributed in partnership with Russian carmaker Sollers.

The new limousine is set to become the heir to the Russian-made ZIL sedans that for decades transported Soviet leaders.

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It’s good to know that I’ve not only helped out a friend, but also inspired more government vehicles. It just feels so good to help.