Ah, here it is, the perfect car.
Image: Jason Torchinsky/Jalopnik

Here’s what I want:

  • 300 horsepower
  • Soft suspension with a tendency for controllable oversteer
  • Softer than that. I already know I’m not winning any races, so I might as well enjoy it on America’s terrible roads
  • A ton of feel in the steering wheel, like, I wanna feel pebbles, man
  • While we’re here, make it a small steering wheel, that’s key
  • Dual-Clutch Transmission. YES I SAID IT, a dual-clutch transmission. I live in a place where occasionally I have to sit in very annoying traffic for many, MANY hours. Let me live.
  • Toggle switches on the ceiling that I gotta hit every time I start the thing up like it’s a heckin’ AIRPLANE
  • You know what, give it a whole start-up procedure 
  • When I put it into drive, I should have to lift a little cover like Will Smith in Independence Day about to launch a FOX TWO

  • Good, raspy noise
  • Can’t be fake noise
  • Turbos? Non-turbos? I don’t care, just make sure it revs like a blessing
  • If you have to make it a turbo though, make sure the turbo noise is enormous and like WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH and also there’s a blow-off valve
  • You should feel things going on in the car. It’s gotta shake and whatnot
  • It should prioritize fun over fast
  • I prefer the engine behind the driver
  • Small. Make it small.
  • But a small shooting brake, yeah? You ever try to go on a week-long trip in a Miata with a friend? In winter?
  • Big beef boy tires. Ones with sidewalls you just wanna sink your teeth into. You know the Shelby Cobra’s tires? Just like that.
Mmmmm look at those big beef boys
Photo: Brian Snelson
  • It’s gotta have good doors, ones that go up or ones that go butterfly or ones that go all sorts of helical directions but never just normal
  • An analog instrument cluster is extremely good, none of this digital speedo crap
  • Okay, yeah, give me a HUD though, that can have a digital speedo on it. I am a man of contradictions I contain multitudes this is MY wishlist go make your own SHUT UP
  • Auto hold? I know that’s a weird thing to request, but it’s like cruise control for stopping. Trust me, if you’re in stop-and-go traffic it’s great
  • Line Lock
  • Rear-wheel drive
I want the car to slide like this but also it’s not a BMW it’s my car
Photo: www.twin-loc.fr

Advertisement

  • The engine can be at like, 2,000 rpm, max, at 70 mph in sixth gear and this is non-negotiable
  • It has to go POP! BRAAP BRROOOOM BRAP POP! on the overrun. This is also non-negotiable
  • It can’t be from Mercedes, no offense Mercedes, you’re too fancy
  • Also don’t make it look too mean, you’re not trying to make it look like you’re in the ugly Jeep crowd
  • But, like... aggressive. Artful. Look, just show me the designs I’ll let you know if it’s good or not. It’ll be fine.
  • A backup camera.

There. Now y’all can no longer complain that all we do is criticize. Automakers, you know have the recipe for the best car humanity has ever made.

Advertisement

Vaya con dios.