Here’s what I want:
- 300 horsepower
- Soft suspension with a tendency for controllable oversteer
- Softer than that. I already know I’m not winning any races, so I might as well enjoy it on America’s terrible roads
- A ton of feel in the steering wheel, like, I wanna feel pebbles, man
- While we’re here, make it a small steering wheel, that’s key
- Dual-Clutch Transmission. YES I SAID IT, a dual-clutch transmission. I live in a place where occasionally I have to sit in very annoying traffic for many, MANY hours. Let me live.
- Toggle switches on the ceiling that I gotta hit every time I start the thing up like it’s a heckin’ AIRPLANE
- You know what, give it a whole start-up procedure
- When I put it into drive, I should have to lift a little cover like Will Smith in Independence Day about to launch a FOX TWO
- Good, raspy noise
- Can’t be fake noise
- Turbos? Non-turbos? I don’t care, just make sure it revs like a blessing
- If you have to make it a turbo though, make sure the turbo noise is enormous and like WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH and also there’s a blow-off valve
- You should feel things going on in the car. It’s gotta shake and whatnot
- It should prioritize fun over fast
- I prefer the engine behind the driver
- Small. Make it small.
- But a small shooting brake, yeah? You ever try to go on a week-long trip in a Miata with a friend? In winter?
- Big beef boy tires. Ones with sidewalls you just wanna sink your teeth into. You know the Shelby Cobra’s tires? Just like that.
- It’s gotta have good doors, ones that go up or ones that go butterfly or ones that go all sorts of helical directions but never just normal
- An analog instrument cluster is extremely good, none of this digital speedo crap
- Okay, yeah, give me a HUD though, that can have a digital speedo on it. I am a man of contradictions I contain multitudes this is MY wishlist go make your own SHUT UP
- Auto hold? I know that’s a weird thing to request, but it’s like cruise control for stopping. Trust me, if you’re in stop-and-go traffic it’s great
- Line Lock
- Rear-wheel drive
- The engine can be at like, 2,000 rpm, max, at 70 mph in sixth gear and this is non-negotiable
- It has to go POP! BRAAP BRROOOOM BRAP POP! on the overrun. This is also non-negotiable
- It can’t be from Mercedes, no offense Mercedes, you’re too fancy
- Also don’t make it look too mean, you’re not trying to make it look like you’re in the ugly Jeep crowd
- But, like... aggressive. Artful. Look, just show me the designs I’ll let you know if it’s good or not. It’ll be fine.
- A backup camera.
There. Now y’all can no longer complain that all we do is criticize. Automakers, you know have the recipe for the best car humanity has ever made.
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Vaya con dios.