I Have Determined The Perfect Car

Here’s what I want:

300 horsepower
Soft suspension with a tendency for controllable oversteer
Softer than that. I already know I’m not winning any races, so I might as well enjoy it on America’s terrible roads
A ton of feel in the steering wheel, like, I wanna feel pebbles, man
While we’re here, make it a small steering wheel, that’s key
Dual-Clutch Transmission. YES I SAID IT, a dual-clutch transmission. I live in a place where occasionally I have to sit in very annoying traffic for many, MANY hours. Let me live.
Toggle switches on the ceiling that I gotta hit every time I start the thing up like it’s a heckin’ AIRPLANE
You know what, give it a whole start-up procedure
When I put it into drive, I should have to lift a little cover like Will Smith in Independence Day about to launch a FOX TWO

Good, raspy noise
Can’t be fake noise
Turbos? Non-turbos? I don’t care, just make sure it revs like a blessing
If you have to make it a turbo though, make sure the turbo noise is enormous and like WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH and also there’s a blow-off valve
You should feel things going on in the car. It’s gotta shake and whatnot
It should prioritize fun over fast
I prefer the engine behind the driver
Small. Make it small.
But a small shooting brake, yeah? You ever try to go on a week-long trip in a Miata with a friend? In winter?
Big beef boy tires. Ones with sidewalls you just wanna sink your teeth into. You know the Shelby Cobra’s tires? Just like that.

It’s gotta have good doors, ones that go up or ones that go butterfly or ones that go all sorts of helical directions but never just normal
An analog instrument cluster is extremely good, none of this digital speedo crap
Okay, yeah, give me a HUD though, that can have a digital speedo on it. I am a man of contradictions I contain multitudes this is MY wishlist go make your own SHUT UP
Auto hold? I know that’s a weird thing to request, but it’s like cruise control for stopping. Trust me, if you’re in stop-and-go traffic it’s great
Line Lock
Rear-wheel drive

The engine can be at like, 2,000 rpm, max, at 70 mph in sixth gear and this is non-negotiable
It has to go POP! BRAAP BRROOOOM BRAP POP! on the overrun. This is also non-negotiable
It can’t be from Mercedes, no offense Mercedes, you’re too fancy
Also don’t make it look too mean, you’re not trying to make it look like you’re in the ugly Jeep crowd
But, like... aggressive. Artful. Look, just show me the designs I’ll let you know if it’s good or not. It’ll be fine.
A backup camera.

There. Now y’all can no longer complain that all we do is criticize. Automakers, you know have the recipe for the best car humanity has ever made.