Illustration for article titled I Am The Real Victim Of North Koreas Latest Aggression

Now, I can’t prove that Kim Jong-Un’s goal was to target me and Tesla when North Korea launched their new ICBM, but that’s exactly what happened. And I’m not fucking happy about it one bit.


See, the day before yesterday, Tesla announced that production for the Model 3 would, incredibly, begin on time. 

That bit of news was why I got a call from the ABC network, whose nice people wanted to interview me to talk about the Model 3 for their show Good Morning America on the morning of July 4. Perhaps you’ve heard of it.


So, a GMA sent a cameraperson to my house, I took a desperately-needed shower, and they set up in the cluttered ‘80s computer warehouse I call my office. I’m pretty sure I saw the camera guy look around and then tell the producer on the phone that if this interview doesn’t work out, they could probably just repackage the footage for another special about hoarders.

So, we shoot the interview, I talk about the Model 3, I manage to avoid blurting out any horrible racist slurs or advanced-level profanity, so I call that a success. I’m told it’d run the next morning.

The next morning, I get an email with the subject Segment got bumped and this body:

Looks like the NK missile launch squeezed us out of the show. Sorry it didn’t air, but thanks again for doing the spot. Really hope we can find cause to use you in the future.


Now, I want to make very clear I don’t blame the nice folks from ABC or GMA for this. All of us have done TV spots that have been bumped for some other kind of news; it’s how TV news shows work. They have stuff in the can and they roll with whatever comes up. I was flattered to be on GMA and would love to come back someday.

No, my blame here lies solely on one guy, and one guy only: Kim Jong-Un.

What the shit, man?

This was my big break to get into the lucrative world of morning news talking-head-dom and eventual dogfood commericals, and your selfish dreams of world domination and that stupid Juche idea just cost me that sweet-ass cushy life.


Also, you owe Elon Musk an apology, too. He has been working very hard on his Model 3 and now, without me, nobody will know about it.

All this North Korea bullshit has been out of hand lately, and now I can now say it’s personal.


Consider yourself warned, motherfucker.

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus, 2020 Changli EV • Not-so-running: 1973 Reliant Scimitar, 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!)

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