I Am Terrified Of Paganis

Image via Pagani

I have a confession to make, and it’s one that haunts me even during my waking hours: I am absolutely terrified of Paganis. They freak me out like not much else can. It’s not the price, it’s definitely not the power, and it’s not anything about the general functioning of the car. It’s those damn headlights.

Nope to this Huayra. Photo credit: Ben Pruchnie/Getty Images

I get that Pagani is Italian and in general, Italian cars are all about their beauty and grace—despite some being kind of ugly on the inside. Even my coworkers will rave about the allure of a Pagani and the company’s daring design choices, how its cars are a work of art.

My coworkers will also tell you that a lot of irrational things scare me, like riding the NYC subway by myself or eating pizza that isn’t of the Chef Boyardee brand. But that’s beside the point.

The point is, when I see a Pagani, daring design and artwork is not what comes to mind. To me, the modern headlight styling Pagani uses looks more like an overgrown, poisonous insect that wants sink its large, venomous fangs into me than it does a car. To me, it does not look like speed, power or grace. It looks like a mortal enemy that would definitely, positively win a battle against me.

I’m sure this Huayra is nice and pleasant to drive, but I would rather it not bust out its fangs and bite me. Photo credit: Carl Court/Getty Images

I’d photoshop some teeth and venom onto the photo above, but that isn’t necessary. Those headlights are terrifying as is, and I can’t look at the photo long enough to do that anyway.

Maybe my poor brain doesn’t want to see the beauty and grace of these cars because I can’t afford them anyway. Or, maybe all of the people riding around in a $2.6-million Pagani Huayra BC have found a way to look past its menacing headlights and appreciate its performance. I don’t know. I probably never will.

This Huayra is not terrifying at all. Photo credit: Ben Pruchnie/Getty Images

I liken my fear of Paganis to trypophobia, which is the evolutionarily driven fear of hole clusters. (Tip: Don’t google “trypophobia.”) Scientists say seeing lots of holes together gets people’s skin crawling because the formation could have signaled dangerous stuff in the past, and Business Insider quoted one person who said holes make them “throw up ... cry a little bit, and shake all over, deeply.”


And, well, I feel the same way about Paganis.

Maybe I have some issues. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m right. Maybe I’m just seeing things other people can’t see. But if I know anything for sure, it’s that I’m going to have nightmares tonight.

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