How To Turn A McRib Into A Car

Illustration for article titled How To Turn A McRib Into A Car
Photo: Jason Torchinsky/McDonald’s

If you’ve been wondering why there’s a strange yet palpable excitement in the air — and why there seems to be a shortage of raccoons and woodchucks around — don’t panic! It’s good news!

Based on the complex necromancy and numerology that the McDonald’s team of warlocks and sorceresses use to figure things out, it’s McRib time again, baby. It seems the McRib hasn’t had a nationwide release since 2012, which is why this is news, with a capital ews. This level of McRib-focus is also why I was forced to realize something: I think you can make it into a car.

Now, let’s settle down here: Just like the meat xylophone we call a McRib isn’t really rib meat (it’s more of a sort of pressed sausage made from pig shoulders, and probably eyelids and anuses and other pork cuttings), the “car” made from the McRib isn’t, of course, a real car.

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What it is, however, is just as significant: I think it represents the best representation of a car that one can make just by re-arranging the elements of any fast-food sandwich.

This occurred to me when I noticed that the McRib, uh, patty has a sort-of grille-like appearance. Coupled with the pickle slices and sliced onion and some bun re-working, I felt a plausible car front could be constructed:

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Photo: Jason Torchinsky

Of course, this was just a drawing; to really know, I’d need to prove it, empirically. I needed to try this with a real McRib.

Thankfully, I was able to do just that. A quick peek on the McRib Locator found me a nearby McRib source (after a few failed trips to various M-Crib dealers) and I soon held America’s most periodic sandwich:

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Photo: Jason Torchinsky
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Can these elements be re-arranged — with absolutely minimal alteration to those elements — into something automotive-looking? Let’s see:

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Photo: Jason Torchinsky
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Hmmm. COMPUTER! Zoom and enhance! Eliminate extraneous background elements! Swap that pickle for the other one we found in the box! EXECUTE!

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Photo: Jason Torchinsky
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Holy shit. Yes, yes, I think it can! Let’s add just a few explanatory lines just to sell it:

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Photo: Jason Torchinsky
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Dear God. They should have sent a poet.

I regret only that I had to bisect the lower bun to make the tires, but that’s the full extent of modifying the elements.

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I think that main patty works remarkably well as a grille, and if you flip it the other way, perhaps Fiat owners could use them to replace their grille-slashes:

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Photo: Jason Torchinsky/Fiat
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Wow. I’m pretty impressed with the flexibility of the McRib now. I wonder if McDonald’s would consider serving these in car-format, in special display boxes.

What a glorious world we live in.

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus, 2020 Changli EV • Not-so-running: 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!: https://rb.gy/udnqhh)

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