How to Make Minivans Cool

Illustration for article titled How to Make Minivans Cool

Are minivans "cool"? Well, they are vehicles for parents, and "parent" is known to be the least cool type of person on the planet, so no. Car companies have set out to change that, and we can help them.

According to The New York Times, "automakers are trying mightily to persuade us" that minivans are "cool" and/or "hip." Not only have they redesigned their minivans "to offer flashier looks, more advanced technology and a sportier ride," they've also spent millions on ad campaigns featuring, among other things, "heavy metal theme songs" and "pyrotechnics." But take it from me, a well-known cool person and former minivan driver ('94 Mazda MPV): It's not enough! No worries, though—I've come up with a few ideas off the top of my head, like:

  • Leather jacket. Not sure who wears it, or what. Still in planning stages. But definitely, leather jacket. Nothing cooler.
  • Minivan that talks to you? Cool phrases like: "What do you think of Kanye's new album?" "Do you have any blow?" "I killed a guy last night." Research computer voices—is Janeane Garofalo available?
  • Consumers "don't want to be seen in a minivan"? That's fine! Masks included.
  • Commitment to old-school quality—hand-make minivan out of selvage denim. (Research Japanese factories.)
  • Collaborations: Minivan by Marc Jacobs. Minivan by Sarah Jessica Parker. Minivan by Randy Quaid. Minivan by Barack Obama (call in favors).
  • Are we on Facebook? Get on Facebook.
  • Rappers! Get rappers involved. Is there a rapper called "Minivan"? Research.
  • Sponsor poetry readings, poetry slams, dance performances, one-act plays, art "happenings," etc. At the end, drive a minivan through the crowd.
  • What if, instead of a minivan, a fixed-gear bicycle? Spitballing here.


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This is what annoys me about you Minivan people.

You don't fucking need them.

They seat 8. Eight!!!

I know you did and do all the things you're "supposed" to do - you went to a good school, got married young, and started having sex with the intention of actually getting pregnant (Plan B, ftw, btw) and go to church somewhat regularly.

You have your entry level Louis Vuitton and your Coach bag and the hubby has been relegated to his "man cave" where his buddies play fantasy football and when he goes on business trips he probably bangs a hooker or at least tries to pick up chicks at the hotel bar. All the normal stuff.

But you have one kid, bitch. One.

A standard 4 door car seats 4 comfortably, and 5 with no problem. How many times have me and 4 other full sized males piled into a standard 4 door car with enough bags full of booze to sterilize a M.A.S.H. unit? Plenty of times. It's not difficult.

You don't NEED a fucking Minivan, you just know you're "supposed" to get one. Hell, even if you have 2 kids you don't need one.

I could see an argument being made for a Minivan once you have 3 or more kids, but at that point, you probably don't have a lot of disposable income so who gives a fuck what you want?