Y’know what’s fun? Horsepower. Maybe not in absurd amounts, the kind you just can’t use on the road without going directly to prison, but a bit of horsepower can be a great time. Okay, maybe an amount that’s a little absurd. We can have a bit of fun, can’t we?
Well, this week, we’re going for fun. Cars to entertain, cars to bring a smile to your face, cars whose afterimages will bring you joy through the cold winter months. In summary, a selection of the internet’s Dopest Cars.
You’re reading this. That makes you, tautologically, a Jalopnik reader. Complicated, I know. But what that means is that you’re probably interested in boxy hatchbacks, cars with rally heritage, and anything on OZ wheels. Well, eat your heart out.
This Delta Integrale may not be the full-bore Evo model, but it does claim to be a genuine earlier 8V version. Plus, it’s got some absolutely incredible-looking seats. I want these in every car.
Honda S2000s cost too much, but this one doesn’t. This one is $13,500, and it’s got a clean title for that money — that’s not something you see often. Something has clearly happened to this car, and it’s not out of the question that it might deserve a title brand, but it doesn’t have one. We take those.
If this S2000's chassis is straight, you can hit it with paint and make it perfect. If the chassis isn’t straight, well, maybe it’s close enough to be repaired. For under $14,000, it’s worth a shot, isn’t it?
Speaking of deals, how about not one but two Trans Ams for less than $6,000? It’s rare enough to find a working car for that kind of money, let alone one as interesting as a Trans Am, but to get two is a real treat. Sure, one may not “work,” but that’s overrated.
OK, so maybe neither of them work, but they might if you put them together! One’s a parts car, the other has a blown head gasket, surely you can put something viable together out of their combination.
Remember that talk earlier about horsepower? Well, how does 270 wheel horsepower in a track-prepped Miata sound? I’ve owned both a track-built NB and a bone stock ’93 Miata, and I can tell you that 270 to the wheels would absolutely rip in either one.
Of course, this 1.6 liter engine doesn’t make that kind of power on regular pump gas, but you’ve got a hookup for E50, right? Some sort of back alley race fuel dealer?
Here you go, folks: The unrestrained power of Honda. Bright paint, low handlebars for a full race tuck, that gram-light approach to weight saving, it’s all here. With this Honda literbike, you can — shit. Hang on. Wrong Honda. Head to the next slide.
This is the unrestrained power of Honda. Bright paint, low bars — you get the gist. This CBR1000RR has power, styling, and maneuverability in spades, and should be an absolute blast at your next track day. You want to talk horsepower? How about 175 of them?
Remember that that’s nearly 200 horsepower on a motorcycle, which weighs approximately nothing compared to any car you’ve ever owned. The raw horsepower number isn’t what matters, it’s power to weight. Nothing beats a bike there.
There isn’t much left of this Saab. No engine, little interior, plenty of body bits lost to rust — it’s less a car than an assemblage of parts in the vague shape of a car. You’re not going to be driving it home, or for plenty of time after you get it there.
But, then, is that such a problem? This Saab is absolutely gorgeous, does it really need to operate in order to justify a spot in your collection? Keep it around as art, patina and all.
Look, I shouldn’t need to sell you on an E36 M3 with an LTW-style wing. It’s one of the best silhouettes in the automotive world, clean and simple yet striking in equal measure. If this isn’t your thing, I respect you, but I don’t know that I understand you.
Plus, red is just the right color for this, isn’t it? Sure, the real LTW is that famous white livery, but the E36 just feel like it’s supposed to be red in my mind. This is the one to get.
I’ll be the first to admit that this Mustang is rough. It’s even rougher than it look in this photo, once you start swiping through: The mismatched paint, the bubbling rust, nothing about this 5.0 seems to be in good nick.
For a Fox Body, though, you can get any replacement part you need. Better yet, you can just count the rust as weight reduction and let the car live as it’s meant to: Kinda shitty. I don’t trust a clean Fox, but I’d drive this one.
Twice a week, I head out to the climbing gym, and I always see a Speed 400 parked outside. No matter the weather, someone has ridden to the fancy Brooklyn bouldering spot on their Triumph, and that just feels like two puzzle pieces fitting together perfectly. What’s even more funny is that, when I leave, the Speed 400 has always metamorphosed into either a Thruxton or a Royal Enfield. Every time.
For bops through Brooklyn, though, it seems hard to fault the little Speed 400. Classic style, recognizable branding, a torquey single cylinder — this is a fantastic way to build a city bike. Go take this one to your own climbing gym, and either discuss crypto or recruit for your polycule while you climb. Every climbing gym attendee is doing one or both of these things for the duration of their workout.
God, I love Tacomas. This body has over 300,000 miles on it, the engine has somewhere north of 90,000, and yet it’s all still just here doing truck stuff. Who says you have to get a Hilux to get something bulletproof?
Perhaps my favorite detail in this Taco, though, is the tool box in the bed. It tells the story of a bike that isn’t a mall crawler, but is just used for hauling things around as it was meant to. That’s a truck living a good life. They need the enrichment.
It’s a Geo Tracker! For two grand! And it runs! I assume you’re already writing a check as we speak, so I’ll just move on.
Remember way back up at the top, when I talked about horsepower? This is what sparked it, and I could tell it was going to be something good long before I even clicked into the listing and saw the claimed horsepower figure. See, when an STi has no wing or hood scoop, that usually means it’s one of the faster things you’ll find on two wheels.
This STi, with its 950 wheel horsepower, is no exception. Looking through the mod list, this was built by someone serious — someone who really knows what they’re doing with the platform, and has the money to do it with the best parts around. Sure, this is Evo money for a Blobeye, but where else are you getting 950 horsepower for 30 grand?
I remember having a Crossfire in “Midnight Club 3 Dub Edition Remix,” the real title of a real video game, and almost never driving it. Every time it came out of the garage I’d begin by marveling at how good it looked, with its paint-matched underglow, and then remember how slow it was compared to the various other cars I had in my stable. I’d then return it to the garage.
Here in the real world, though, where speed carries penalties, maybe the case for the Crossfire is better. Something doesn’t have to be an incredible performer on paper or on the PlayStation 2 disc in order to be fun at road-legal speeds, right? Is the Crossfire good?
For Halloween yesterday, one of my roommates showed me “Tucker and Dale vs. Evil,” and it left me with two thoughts. First, Alan Tudyk should be in more things. Second, I need a beat to hell old pickup truck.
Aren’t trucks like this just the best? The F-250 might be a bit big to street park in Brooklyn, but I can’t think of a better way to pick up an unregistered motorcycle or move tools around than an honest, square pickup. They’ve just got incredible vibes.