Hey, General Motors Design? How’s it going, buddy? Man, I still sure love what you did with that Corvair! Good stuff, good stuff. And that new Corvette! Wow, right? I, uh, just happened to be checking out your Instagram page and saw some stuff from your very talented truck designers. Some of what I saw just, maybe, made me want to, you know, check in? Is, uh, is everything OK? I’ll be honest, I’m kind of worried.
Lemme explain what I mean. The first post that got me worrying was this:
Just take a moment and really look at that thing. Holy shit. What...what happened to you, designer? The world is scary sometimes, sure, but not that scary. I promise, there’s still good in the world! You don’t have to hole up in a slit-windowed steel parapet with a battering ram up front.
Seriously, is that thing made for humans? How the fuck would you see out of that thing? How would you drive this thing anywhere other than a vast, empty highway?
It’s got barely any ground clearance in the front, so I’m not thinking it’d be good for off-roading, even if you could find a gap between two trees wide enough to fit it.
And look how high the bed sides are—how the hell would you load shit in there? If you park it, do you have to pay property tax? Is the view out the windshield anything other than sky and hood? Does it just give up on having a lane-departure warning and just have a county-departure warning?
Does it just scream constantly? Is the hood so high because the pistons have a stroke measured by the foot? Do you need a ladder to change the air cleaner?
I don’t know who the hell wants this, but I do know that GM has already shown they’re not against selling something like this. Remember, you can buy this:
I thought maybe this was an isolated incident, and then I saw this post:
Gaah! Would it even be possible to own this truck and not shriek and drop whatever you’re holding every time you looked into that monster face?
And, how the hell is anyone going to, you know, get inside this thing? Look how high it is, and look at that lower lip that juts out under the doors. And then look at how wide and bulgy those doors are. And then try to find the handle. And then try to fucking tell me how the hell a normal-scaled human is going to get inside this thing.
Look how tiny that greenhouse is. This thing somehow looks cramped, even if it seems to be as big as four shipping containers, stacked 2x2.
These aren’t trucks; they’re nightmares, beautifully rendered nightmares, and they may be a cry for help, which is why I’m reaching out.
Are you OK?
It’s not like there aren’t some more reasonable looking trucks posted there; this one, for example, feels cool and modern and tough without having the proportions of a National Park rock formation:
Still crazy low greenhouse and absurdly wide, but, you know, it’s a concept car sketch. They’re all like that.
Look, GM Design, just promise me you’ll check in with your truck designers and just make sure they’re doing OK. These are weird times, and I know a cry for help when I see one.
I’m here if you need me.