Heroic Korean Air VP Resigns After Trying To Save Us From Bagged Nuts
Yesterday, a hero was born. One woman, who happened to be the VP of Korean Air, had the guts to finally stand up to the tyranny that is mis-served nuts. When Heather Cho — a human — was served nuts in a bag, like a filthy animal, she ordered the plane back to the gate and took action. And for that selfless act of justice, she's being forced to step down.
Granted, she's not totally resigning from all her roles at Korean Air — just from the airline's catering, in-flight sales business, cabin service. and hotel business divisions. She's staying on in her twin roles of VP and daughter of the chairman of Korean Air, Cho Yang-ho.
Let's just be clear on what happened here, and why this woman is a hero for all human beings who enjoy and respect the splendor of a quality mouthful of nutmeat. She was sitting on the plane, as a passenger, not as the VP of the airline, when she was served some macadamia nuts.
That, in itself is fine. People need nourishing nutmeats, we all know that. But here's where the crime against humanity occurred: the flight attendant, perhaps on some sort of mind-destroying drug or simply suffering himself from a lack of nutmeat, served her those macadamia nuts in a bag.
A bag. To a human being.
Not on a plate, where the nuts need to exist, but in a filthy, repugnant celluloid satchel, the same sort of thing that one might find a stool sample in, or perhaps 50 lbs of peat moss. Most rational humans would congratulate this woman's self-control by not immediately plunging her thumbs into the cretin's eye sockets and ending his miserable, nut-bagging life right there. Who would have blamed her?
(Why, I know if my miserable valet, Prescott, ever dared serve me nuts in a bag, I'd take his other goddamn ear off. Prescott, if you're reading this now, so fucking help me, I swear I will. Don't you ever even think of even showing me a bag of nuts. In fact, you should be working. We're going to have to go for a ride in the Big Van when I get home.)
Instead, this woman — this saint — simply put the horror of those bagged nuts out of her mind and ordered the plane back to the gate, where the miserable ex-flight attendant could be kicked off the plane, and, hopefully, worked over by Korean Air's hired goons for his stupidity.
I wish I could have taken a swing at that fucker. NUTS IN A BAG?
In the end, the plane was only 11 minutes late to Seoul, and come on, it's just a plane, people. What's the big deal about laboriously returning it to a gate and inconveniencing over a hundred people? THE MONSTER SERVED HER NUTS IN A BAG.
Cho later issued a statement saying
"I will take full responsibility for the incident and step down from my post."
... but I just want to be clear that there are those of us who support Cho and her last stand against nut debasement. First we let ourselves be served nuts in bags, then next we're enslaved on a penal colony in the asteroid belt, being worked to death for our nut-in-bag-eating overlords.
Thank you, Miss Cho. May you ever be full of sweet, sweet nutmeats.