Illustration for article titled Here Are Some Things You Could Do With A Used Oscar Mayer Wienermobile

Over the past week or so, I’ve been sent an ad many times from friends and people who know my deepest desires. The ad is from the Canadian Craigslistic site Kiji, advertising an incredible two Oscar Mayer Wienermobiles for sale for a very reasonable $12,000. If it seems too good to be true, that’s because it is, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t get me thinking. Thinking intently about just what the hell you could actually do with a Wienermobile.

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Illustration for article titled Here Are Some Things You Could Do With A Used Oscar Mayer Wienermobile

Like almost anything related to hot dogs, I’m a fan of the Wienermobile, and while having one as a personal sausage-shaped RV sure sounds fun, my guess is that Oscar Mayer isn’t crazy about having just anyone drive something so deeply associated with their brand around, doing who the hell knows what.

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That’s why it’s not shocking this was all a big hoax. But it got me thinking—if you were a business, and had a chance to get a Wienermobile super cheap, how could you adapt it to become a marketing tool for your company?

Just to keep it fun, let’s say that any changes you’d make have to be pretty minimal, mostly limited to paint, wraps, or some add-on stuff, because otherwise, if you were going to rework the basic shape, what would be the point of buying the Wienermobile?

That means any company seeking to repurpose the Wienermobile would have to be a company that deals in generally sausage-shaped things. That’s a smaller set than you think, but I’ve picked five likely candidates, and, on spec (but to be billed if any are implemented) I’ve mocked up some sensible modifications to the Wienermobile that would make it an effective marketing tool for certain organizations.

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Companies, please take note:

Illustration for article titled Here Are Some Things You Could Do With A Used Oscar Mayer Wienermobile
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Vlasic Pickles seems a likely choice, as pickles are among the more common non-sausage yet sausagey-shaped foods out there. Zucchini just don’t have that sense of fun that pickles do, which is why I think a re-painted Wienermobile would be so effective for them.

Also, what the hell is going on with their mascot? What does a Groucho Marx-impersonating stork have to do with pickles? I heard it has to do with declining birth rates, of all things. Seriously.

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Illustration for article titled Here Are Some Things You Could Do With A Used Oscar Mayer Wienermobile

Okay, yeah, a Trojan Condoms one is sort of obvious and lowest-common-denominator, but, come on, what am I going to do, ignore it? Hot dogs look like penises. Nothing’s gonna change that. May as well embrace it!

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NOTE: Our Managing Editor felt this one was too crass and lowbrow, but I felt that it would be dishonest to just pretend like this isn’t the absolute first one every living human would think of. Its absence would have left an obvious, yawning chasm. So, to compromise, there’s a pixellated one, and if you’re inclined to see a giant condomed-dickmobile, you can click here.

Illustration for article titled Here Are Some Things You Could Do With A Used Oscar Mayer Wienermobile
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As a kid, do you remember how the National Paramecium Council (NPC) outreach vans were always so much more boring than all the paramecium-excitement they had inside? Shouldn’t NPC vans be more fun on the outside, too? Of course they should! Luckily, paramecia are pretty sausage-shaped, so this could be perfect!

Illustration for article titled Here Are Some Things You Could Do With A Used Oscar Mayer Wienermobile
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Another likely choice for adapting to an alternative frankfurter-shaped foodstuff is, of course, bananas. A little bit of fiberglass peel work and the Chiquita people could be spreading banana goodness all over the country.

Illustration for article titled Here Are Some Things You Could Do With A Used Oscar Mayer Wienermobile
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This one is the least likely, and would likely have to be purchased via an intermediary shell company, but what a satisfying screw you it would be to Oscar Mayer if Hebrew National bought a Wienermobile and just changed the branding, calling it the Hebrew National Frankfurteroamer or something. Ooooh, they’d be so pissed!

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I feel like Lockheed Martin’s Missile Defense Systems division probably could use a bit more of a fun reputation, since, you know, building machines of war isn’t really the best choice for a warm public perception.

A Wienermobile converted to a cartoony Patriot Advanced Capability-3 (PAC-3) missile would probably go a long way to show that, hey, sure we make machines that kill from hundreds of miles away, but we know how to have fun, too! They could give out fireworks and stuff!

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I hope these maybe will help Oscar Mayer rethink their policies on not selling retired Wienermobiles, and maybe, just maybe, the next time we see one of these up for sale at bargain-basement prices, it won’t be a hoax.

Oh, and I’m sure you can think of more—vibrator companies, maybe SpaceX, whoever, so if you’re so inclined, feel free to mock up your own! Here’s a blank one to get you started:

Illustration for article titled Here Are Some Things You Could Do With A Used Oscar Mayer Wienermobile
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Have at it!

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus, 2020 Changli EV • Not-so-running: 1973 Reliant Scimitar, 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!)

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