Twenty years ago, if you had said that Porsche would make an SUV, people would’ve laughed in your face and chased you out of the bar. Now, it’s 2017, Cayennes dot our streets and Suicide Squad became an Oscar-nominated film. Anything can happen, it seems! But what about the companies that haven’t made an SUV yet?

Now, I’m aware that Aston Martin and Lotus have spoken about making a crossover or an SUV. But, they haven’t at the time of this writing, so this ignores those concepts and instead focuses on what they would look like right now.


Haven’t you noticed that most SUVs these days look just like the carmaker’s sedans, just with a bad aspect ratio? Here, I’ll give you an example.

This is a Jaguar F-Pace.

Notice how it looks just like a Jaguar XE but stretched?


Okay, now you understand how the rules of this game work. Good.

Ferrari 812 CamionPane

Translated literally, the Ferrari 812 Breadtruck. At least it still has the naturally aspirated V12!


Aston Martin Valorous Coupe

Needed something that started with a V. This is what James Bond would drive after he settles down and has a couple of kids. Now if they made the Rapide into an SUV...


McLaren 630S

It’s not my fault McLaren is shit at naming its cars. The new Suburban Series, which McLaren hasn’t created yet, will slot in between the Sport Series and the Super Series. It’s got the same 3.8-liter twin-turbo engine, with a power output of 630 PS.


Koenigsegg Mallandia

Um, you can bet those cool doors are part of the Mallandia (just ignore the “Agera” you see stamped on it). This will undoubtedly be the fastest SUV in! the! world!


Pagani Ahaeouya

Here’s another Pagani name that you can say without touching your teeth together, just like “Huayra.”


Lotus Excelsior 400

Built on the bones of an Evora 400, the Excelsior 400 is the most lightweight SUV of all time. It doesn’t even have any seats. That guy is floating. Yeah. Things are that light.


Bugatti Dairon

The SUV to end all SUVs, the Dairon will have the biggest rims and tires of any production car ever. Can it reach 300 MPH? Guess we’ll need a really, really long stretch of suburbia to find out.


What are some real SUVs that look like warped images?

Writer at Jalopnik and consumer of many noodles.

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