Photo: Shutterstock

A drunk driver covered in dog poop was arrested Saturday night in Pierce County, Washington. The source of the poop was (initially) a mystery.

Eight minutes after receiving initial reports of a white Subaru running red lights and coming to close to hitting, a woman called 911; someone had driven through a gate on her property and was penned in by her husband’s tractor.

Advertisement

That’s when things got extremely gnarly, as elucidated in a nicely-written Facebook post on the page for the Pierce County Sheriff’s Department.

When deputies arrived at the residence they contacted the homeowners, who told the deputies that they had taken the car keys from the driver who appeared to be drunk. The deputies walked toward the pasture gate, were they found a white Subaru Crosstrek blocked in by a tractor. The vehicle was occupied by a male in the drivers seat who appeared to be passed out.

As noted in a deputy’s report: “As I approached the vehicle I immediately smelled a very strong odor of feces, strong enough to overwhelm any other smell. I saw that there was feces smeared all along the drivers side and on the drivers door handle. When I contacted the driver I noticed that he had feces all over his hands and clothing. I also noticed that the smell of feces got stronger and I nearly vomited several times”.

The deputies announced their presence and the driver woke up; he appeared disoriented and struggled to answer the deputies questions, just answering that he was stopped or he was parked. When asked if he had been drinking, the driver responded “yeah a lot”; he also acknowledged that he should not have been driving. The driver told the deputies that he had been drinking shots of tequila.

As the driver began to wake up more, the deputies asked him about the feces the smelled and saw all over him and his vehicle. The driver said “he did not think he had defecated himself and denied being covered in feces”.

Advertisement

The driver was correct about the former, but very, very wrong about the latter.

Due to the fact that the driver was covered in biohazard, the deputies elected to not perform field sobriety tests. As the suspect exited his vehicle he stumbled and nearly fell over, so the deputies had to hold his arm as they walked him across the property to their patrol cars. Our friends Central Pierce Fire & Rescue responded to the scene to evaluate the suspect and then placed him in a Tyvex suit to prevent contamination of anyone or anything else.

As the suspect was being tended to by CPFR, the deputies recontacted the homeowners to solve the fecal mystery. The husband told the deputies that there had been previous thefts on their property, so he blocked in the suspect’s vehicle with his tractor to prevent him from leaving. The homeowner said that the suspect exited the vehicle and ran away; the suspect jumped over a fence and tried to hide in a large container - that was full of dog poop. The homeowners went on to say that they have several dogs and all of their poop is put in the container; over 15 kennels were observed on the property.

Of note, the homeowner also told the deputies that he had yelled at the driver that he better get back in his car or he would “be in a world of sh*t” (oh yes he was). The suspect then climbed out of the container of dog poop, got back into his vehicle, threw his keys to the homeowner and waited for our deputies to arrive.

Advertisement

As far as cop jokes go, I’ll award that an eight out of ten.

The 25 year old male suspect was placed into handcuffs and transported to a nearby precinct for DUI processing, then booked into the Pierce County Jail for Driving Under the Influence. The deputy’s patrol vehicle was a pool vehicle, and was taken out of service for a major biohazard cleaning.

And scene.

[h/t David]