Yesterday, Tesla did one of those things were they turn some stupid joke made by their reclusive CEO Elon Musk into A Thing that Teslaterians can be convinced to buy, like those absurdly overpriced satin shorts or that absurdly overpriced tequila. This time the joke is a real knee-slapper referencing all of the recent whistle-blowing from people alleging racism and sexual harassment at Tesla facilities, so Tesla is selling some little stainless steel whistles shaped like Cybertrucks! Get it? A whistle? A $50 whistle! Oh, what a jape!
Here’s Elon’s tweet about the whistle:
Unsurprisingly but still somehow disappointingly, those still-hypothetical-truck-shaped whistles sold out incredibly quickly, and are now commanding idiotic prices on eBay:
Dewalt 20V Max Cordless Drill & Driver Kit
Comes equipped with an LED which goes on when the trigger is pulled. You’ll a clear view of whatever you are drilling or screwing with minimal shadows.
Look at that. Someone paid $500 for a whistle. I’m not going to tell anyone how to spend their money, but I am going to provide you with some alternatives if you really, really want a car/truck-shaped whistle:
1. Oscar Mayer Wienermobile whistle
This vehicle-based whistle is based on the legendary Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, which has been in limited production since 1936, and Oscar Mayer currently operates a fleet of six Wienermobiles that travel the country spreading hot dog-related goodwill.
That means there are six times as many Wienermobiles on the road than Cybertrucks, which makes the Wienermobile whistle better. Also, it’s loud as shit.
2. Oscar Mayer Wienermobile whistle
If you’re lucky enough to encounter the actual Wienermobile, they’ll give you these whistles for free. Probably a handful of them if you ask nicely. That means this vehicle-based whistle is $50 cheaper than the original price of the Cyberwhistle, and is currently between $200 and $500 cheaper than a Cybertruck whistle.
Think how much better you’ll feel paying $0 for a car-shaped whistle as opposed to trying to justify to your family why you blew $400 on a whistle shaped like a yet-to-be-built truck, because your family sure as hell isn’t buying that you’ve been really interested in important whistles for a long time and it’s not your fault if they never bother to really get to know what interests you.
3. This plastic version of the Cyberwhistle
Oh, crap, wait, my mistake, that’s actually an Apple ADB mouse from the mid-to-late 1980s, the kind that came with Apple IIgs and Mac SEs and other computers.
Still, it looks a lot like a Cybertruck, so if you really need some Cybertruck shit to put on a shelf, pick up one of these cheap on eBay and spray paint it silver.
And, if you really need it to whistle, you can whip it around your head by the cord really fast! It’ll whistle, a bit, but you may also break windows or your television.
4. Oscar Mayer Wienermobile whistle
Look, if you absolutely have to have a whistle shaped like a truck, why not get one that is associated with fresh-faced, optimistic college kids making silly sausage puns and living a wholesome summer adventure as opposed to one associated with hyper-intense weirdos who will grip your arm painfully and rant wetly at you about The Blockchain until you want to cry?
5. Oscar Mayer Wienermobile whistle
For fuck’s sake, do you really want a stainless steel whistle making fun of people calling out shitty work environments? Just take the free hot dog car whistle. When you lose all interest in novelty whistles a week from now, it’ll be a lot less embarrassing to see the free plastic one in your drawer as opposed to the $300 stainless one.