It’s not that often a picture of a Citroën will cause me to do an immediate and forceful spit-take, whether I’m drinking a beverage or not, but this one, found on Sacremento Craigslist, certainly does the job. If you’re not sure why that is, I suspect it has something to do with the colossal and strangely proportioned naked (except for boots), face-down woman sculpted into the body of the car. That’s my hunch.
In case the ad is removed, likely for the sake of humanity’s collective sanity, here’s the entire description of the car, this 1967 Citroën DS:
“1967 Citroen. Runs. Has a salvaged title. For sell or trade. Great for parades.”
Great for parades? What the hell kinds of parades has the seller been to? The Great Cthulu’s Independence Day Blow-Out? The HR Giger Day Parade and Bioterrorism Carnival?
I guess this would be great for parades if you think parades are marches of people and objects designed to make children fear the world in profound and debilitating ways. Also, cotton candy availability.
Fucking hell, just look at this thing. This took some work. A lot of work. I mean, technically, yes, it’s executed remarkably well. It’s not easy to sculpt a whole DS hood full of long, splayed-out hair. I get that.
But the end result is a hood covered in the long hair of a woman laying prone on/in the car, and that’s just weird.
The scale and proportions of everything are...disturbing. At the front and rear, it’s sort of normal, but each side—with its separate hands, shoulder, breast, and plump, nearly spherical buttock—is disquieting because the entire cabin of the car is separating that woman’s two halves, which then sort of rejoin behind the rear window, which would be, effectively, jammed in this poor booted woman’s crotch.
Is this supposed to be a sensual take on the female human form, or a sick bastard’s fetishy warning to all women? I can’t really tell.
This car feels like if you took a bunch of Yes albums and other prog-rock paraphernalia, and posters and shit, and shoved it in a blender with a bunch of HR Geiger black-light posters, filled the rest of the blender with powdered ‘shrooms, and then sprayed all of that onto this poor, unsuspecting Citroën.
Still, it is a running DS at what probably will be a reasonable price. If you’ve been wanting a vintage Citroën but have been holding off because you didn’t think you could make children cry or adults recoil in horror effectively enough, I think you may have a call to make.
(Thanks? KPKing!)