Illustration for article titled Here Are Some Horrible Things You Can Cram In The Ford Mustang Mach-Es Frunk

Ford let the world know yesterday that they absolutely understand what people want out of a modern electric vehicle: the ability to cram the front trunk full of 36 gallons of shellfish. The idea of a car with a trunk you can just fill full of seafood, soups, slurries, moist glops, melted cheese, or any number of other solids or semi-liquids has been a dream of humankind for centuries. Now it’s finally here, and I’d like to help Ford with some suggestions for what to fill that glorious frunk with.

Of course, Ford provided some of their own ideas about filling that 4.8 cubic foot plastic tub:

1.The trunk in the front is about the size of a large cooler, so fans can forget about lugging a heavy cooler to a tailgate. Just fill the front trunk with ice and beverages and cruise right up to your tailgate. When you’re done, open the drain cap at the bottom of the front trunk and let gravity do the rest.


2.Sign up to bring a gameday spread best served chilled? Top off the frunk with some shaved ice to keep veggies, dips and even shrimp cold and ready to eat.


3.Feed an entire team by loading the front trunk with hot wings: you can hold more than 1,000 regular sized wings with the extra storage space. And don’t worry about the sauce – you can open the drain cap and hose down the front trunk when you get home.


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Who doesn’t want to drive around with 1,000 well-sauced chicken wings in their trunk?

These are okay, I guess, but I feel they could have gone even further. Let’s see what else we can come up with:

Illustration for article titled Here Are Some Horrible Things You Can Cram In The Ford Mustang Mach-Es Frunk
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Chowder! Piping hot, thick, creamery chowder! Think how fantastic it’ll feel sloshing around as you drive! Plus, with the drain plug, you can lay under the front of the car, or, even better, put it on a lift, and get the hot chowder shower you’ve always dreamed of.

Illustration for article titled Here Are Some Horrible Things You Can Cram In The Ford Mustang Mach-Es Frunk
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Who says it has to be something edible in there? The frunk makes an ideal mobile ball pit, and the drain means the inevitable pants-wettings are a snap to clean.

Illustration for article titled Here Are Some Horrible Things You Can Cram In The Ford Mustang Mach-Es Frunk
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The Mach-E’s versatile trunk means any parking lot or driveway can become an instant cock fighting ring! And, again, that always-useful drain plug means the cleanup of chicken blood is no problem at all, and if the cops come, just slam the hood and use the Mach-e’s impressive near three second 0 to 60 time to get the hell away!

(Editor’s Note: please do not do this.)

Illustration for article titled Here Are Some Horrible Things You Can Cram In The Ford Mustang Mach-Es Frunk
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For a more soothing and potentially less cruel pastime, what about a lovely mobile koi pond? The fish are sure to love the sensation of motion as you drive around, and even the most grim Wal-Mart parking lot becomes a little sanctuary when you open the hood.

Or, you can stock it with sturgeon and carp and enjoy a quiet afternoon of fishing in your trunk!

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Illustration for article titled Here Are Some Horrible Things You Can Cram In The Ford Mustang Mach-Es Frunk

If none of these ideas grab you, what about opening a portal to Hell, right there in the frunk? It’s far more convenient than some location-anchored home-based portal, since this allows you to take the Gateway to Hell wherever you need it.

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The Mach-E’s generous frunk opening means even the girthiest of sacrifices can be sent down to the Dark Lord, and, yet again, the handy drain plug means cleanup is a cinch.

Way to go, Ford. This is the kind of thinking I like to see.

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus • Not-so-running: 1973 Reliant Scimitar, 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!)

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