Dear readers and fans of Jalopnik, we’re interrupting our regular schedule of incisive auto coverage to make the following brief announcement:
As part of Jalopnik’s new initiatives to expand our reach in the car segment, we are proud to publicly announce our extended warranty program for passenger and commercial vehicles owned and operated within the United States. Oh, also major U.S. territories. Can’t forget those. Sales of the extended warranty program will begin later today, on April 1, 2022.
Wait. Wait. Don’t Go! The thing about this coverage is you already know and love us, so you know we’re not just robots trying to scam you. OK, well, to be totally forthcoming, yes: we will be using a fleet of Spot robots to provide roadside assistance. But they’re the dancing kind, not the shooting kind.
Not only that, but our extended warranties apply to new cars, used cars, crashed cars, track cars, Fiats, Unimogs, Chevy Bolts that already caught fire, Teslas with flying roofs, Smart ForTwos with non-approved lighting. And, yes, even Ford Mustangs with aftermarket cold-air intakes!
Look, Hagerty is buying up car shows and other rad stuff and consolidating all manner of automotive media. It recently merged with an SPAC, and now there’s talk that the company and Magna-Steyr are developing a car with a VIN that changes at midnight. You’ll have to buy a new insurance policy every morning!
It’s truly an inspiration. The company’s gone so far — despite having started as an insurance company! Hagerty was once to Jalopnik what Ned was to Phil in Groundhog Day. Yet here we are, desperate for revenue streams.
Since the insurance racket is all sowed up, we figure extended warranties are it. So, if you receive the following automated call featuring the smooth baritone of Jalopnik’s own Steve DaSilva, please don’t hang up. You were preselected for coverage, and we lost the list of your phone numbers when Kinja crashed:
Oh, also we couldn’t force Steve into reciting the long disclaimer we’re “legally” obligated to provide. The lawyers said we can’t ask you to buy the warranty without a disclaimer, but they bluff a lot. The gist of the fine print is below.
So when you’re ready to buy extended warranty coverage, click right here.
- Most preowned and/or used cars eligible for coverage excluding Honda Insight (Model Years 2000-2006.)
- All Salvage, Rebuilt and/or Certificates of Title issued by the state of Vermont accepted.
- Claims involving defects in 1, tail light design or assembly of all makes and models, and 2, powertrain cooling systems in Jeep Wrangler (Model Years 2017-) are subject to delay pending consultation of third-party experts.
- Must be over 25 years of age to be eligible for coverage, and must provide proof of satisfactory car rental history.